The grey between the white and black. Me.

Accident

2011-11-28T20:33:00.000+08:00

Life happens exactly how and when it wants to.

It does not stop and ask for permissions.
It does not wait for you to pack your bags.
It sure as hell does not come with warnings or guarantees.

It just happens and with me, it brought on a car accident on Friday evening. I have been in accidents before. But this was the worst that I have been in, ever.
The day was as ordinary as it could get.

Started off with the last day of Shell Life training in the morning where I facilitated an engagement session with a leader. Lunch was the same buffet that we had been eating the entire week and was getting to be quite boring. Goodbyes were being said among sleepy yawns from fellow Graduates as the effects of the partying from the previous night started manifesting itself.

I was right there, in the middle of it all. Conversations with colleagues, discussions on politics and whatnot. Even spent a good 45 minutes trying to troubleshoot my locked laptop password. I left the hotel at 4pm and I had no idea that 2.5 hours later I was going to find myself drenched to the bone, in the middle of fast moving highway with my car smashed on its left side.

Traffic was as expected. Congested and slow moving as the population of KL drove out of the city for the long 3-day weekend. Being super exhausted from the week did not help my temper, but knowing that I had Monday off was sweet knowledge. Definitely half the weekend plan was to catch up on much needed sleep. And then maybe some on the very much neglected dissertation preparation. I remembered my mom's annoyed voice at the other end of a phone conversation when I called to ask what was dinner that night. Even then, it did not occur to me that 15 minutes later I'd find myself staring out the passenger window of my car only to see a car coming closer and closer to impact my still car that had skidded in the middle of the north-south highway.

And then in the typical mood shift of the weather these days, it was pouring cats and dogs. The N-S highway post Seremban rest area was a slow moving nightmare. I knew I could not have been the only one cursing the traffic congestion in the sea of cars that was stuck in the same jam. Driving a manual car in that situation is beyond tedious. Traffic cleared for a bit as soon as I passed Senawang exit and the car could finally move to third gear. The rain had not slowed its merciless pour. The road was slippery and the driver in front of me was in a mighty rush. He was tailgating the car in front and frequently displayed the red break lights to me. I decided to start keeping my distance after about 10 minutes of this. 30 seconds later, the world spun.

Because that car had hit emergency breaks and its tail lights were blazing red. I panicked thinking of front impact that may happen at my 70kmph if I did not slow my car significantly. I slammed on my break pedal, flooring it completely and my steering wheel got a life of its own. My car spun 3 times from the right-most lane toward the left and stopped smack in the middle of the middle lane. Cars starts slamming on breaks everywhere around me, some swerving to the other two lanes to avoid hitting me, others slowing down significantly to note my car number.
No one stopped to help.

And then, I looked to my left and I saw the car coming. Saw the shock on the driver's face as she realized that there is car in the middle of the road which she is approaching at a high speed. Realizing that there maybe there is not enough time to slow her car down.
I do not know what my thought were at that moment. Except for that I had not seen my parents in a week. That I had not spoken to my brother in a week. That life is so damn short.

My car is smashed. It is in a workshop at the moment. It is so badly wrecked that there is a chance they may not be able to fix it.
And I am here, 3 days later typing this from a coffee shop with my favourite cup of tea, sitting beside my best friend having come out of the accident unscathed without a scratch on my skin.

I am not here to tell anyone to quit their jobs and start checking everything off their "Life To-do List". Neither am I here to emphasize on road safety.
This is just a record of an accident that happened to me, one evening in my life. To remind me that life happens and if I have not filled every breathable moment of it with memories and experiences that tell me I am living... then its about time I did.

Life is indeed, very short. ;)

Choose Happiness

2011-09-10T23:15:00.000+08:00

The article below is one that was shared by a friend on Facebook. After reading it - it did not tell me anything new. In fact, the points listed are those that I have thought about often. And unfortunately, I am among those sad souls who has not been able to wisely choose happiness.
I'm posting it on my blog because of 2 reasons:
1. Selfishly, as a reminder to myself. I often read my old blog posts for inspiration or even to just calm my thoughts. This would be one gem that I know would be a reminder of sorts through the years.

2. For you, dear reader. Because should you have any one of the regrets listed below, know that its NEVER too late to turn back. You may not be able to turn the clock backwards, but you are always able to take a u-turn in life whenever you want. It ultimately does boil down to what you want and what your choices are.

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Top Five Regrets

By Bronnie Ware

For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives. People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learned never to underestimate someone's capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them. When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me

This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people have had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn't work so hard

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence. By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result. We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends

Often they would not truly realize the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying. It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again. When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life.

Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly.

Choose happiness

Q4 2011 Activity Forecast.

2011-09-03T19:20:00.000+08:00

The 9 days (that sounds a little better than saying 1 week) of holidays that I was super looking forward to are coming to an end. Nope, unlike most of my compatriots, I do not harbor any misgivings for the coming Monday. Oddly I'm looking forward to it. I think checking work emails during planned long holidays does that to people.

A question to myself, WHY have I completed everything on my to-do list?

Now, for the forecast of Q4 2011?

Well, first off would be registration of my final (like literally FINAL!) semester of MSBIT. Yep, its the dreaded dissertation time and once done, I'll be a master's degree holder officially.
All I honestly feel right now is the relief that will come when I type off the last sentence on my thesis.

Also, likely my current role at work is coming to a close this month. Totally looking forward to a new JD, new team, new things to learn. Another step forward!

And then, the Nexus SG trip is coming up in Oct! That would literally be my one and only trip out of the country this year. Heck, its the only trip that would bring me to another place aside from KL and Malacca.
**Amazing how the past 8 months have passed on so quietly!

Its also about time I started really thinking about some important items. Like my birthday gift to myself.. ;) Can't seem to decide on just one. But knowing me, I'll either get that handbag and that car and that library of books etc... or I wont get anything but a box of ferrero's. Hmm.. make that two.

Festivals are lined up one after another - With Navratri, Diwali, New Years, Chrismas etc. And Q4 of any year is never complete without at least one wedding / engagement function. This year theres one happening in Nov.

Last but not the very least, this I promise myself... the grand travel plans of next year shall happen. It is not possible for me to sit on my laurels for long, stagnating, quiet, obedient and NOT creating trouble. Thats boring, NOT me. ;)

Inspired today, by a true leader.

2011-05-24T21:31:00.000+08:00

Apparently there are two kinds of people out there - One, who lead and thus are known as leaders. The others who are led, and hence are followers.

I beg to differ. Wait, why am I begging?

I differ in opinion. I think there are people who are lead, but are not necessarily leaders. And those who are leaders but are unable to lead, do not know how to lead or simply fail at leading. Those are the real followers.

Today I am inspired by a real leader. He is a leader who listens to others, asks for opinions and ideas, believes in the value of verbal communication and most of all, recognizes the work that his team has done. I saw a leader today that personally acknowledges the time and effort that his team has put into making a piece of work more than just a task.
Many leaders see the work that their team members do as work done for the company they all work for. The leader does not own the company. The company pays the employees for the work that they do. They are compensated for their hard work.

Or are they?

Monetary compensation and all the other benefits that come with a job, makes it just that. A job. Each task done everyday is just that. A task for the sake of doing it.
Add that to the fact that the minute something is not done right, there are going to be an entire hierarchy of people cascading a million different comments on what someone did wrong and why.
How many actually bother to walk to your cubicle and say "well done" when something goes really well?
How many of those people, are direct supervisors or bosses?
How many of them are leaders?

There are many ways for a person to reach the top of the corporate ladder. Every company that recruits fresh talent is looking for leadership skill within the new joiners. Ever stopped to think what is it really that "leadership" means?

Does it mean the ability to plan and delegate? - That would be a manager. Not a leader.
Does it mean the ability to review, analyse and intelligently criticize? - That makes an analyst. Not a leader.
OR
is it simply the ability to hold undivided attention, to listen and understand a different point of view, to be at ease with people from any age group and career level? - Almost there. Still, in my eyes this would be a teacher. Not a leader.

To be a leader is to be able to inspire. Without even trying.

Main karu to saala... CHARACTER DHEELA hai!

2011-04-28T22:05:00.000+08:00

The title was something I could not resist. I am sorry. Its a song and it rocks! So obsessed I am over it that its currently the only song on my playlist for a 40 minutes drive to and 40 minutes drive back from work.

Video : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cwI-PsOzcBI

Yep, Salman Khan and Zarine Khan obviously only do the song more justice by the awesome picturization done on them. He's a superstar, any shot with him in would be famous. She looks so different from the Veer look! Super sexy but could use some dance lessons, hahah.
Though, the choreography is not something that took my breathe away.. its not something thats putting me to sleep either. Besides, Salman's expressions more than make up for the lack of body movement.

So what is it about this song that has made me go all gaga about it?
The music is nice (apparently a stolen composition by Pritam according to Anu Malik) and upbeat BUT the showstopper for this song are the lyrics by Amitabh Bhattacharya. Ab-solutely spot on in terms of keeping with the beat, and with the current generation.
Yep, these are no holes barred, super fun and straight to your face kinda lyrics. And very nicely rhymed too, double thumbs up!

Overall, right now this is the song that has ousted Sheila Ki Jawani from the my Top 1 most listened to song. Something not even Dum Maaro Dum could, though its not a choreographer's dream song, its definitely one that keeps me smiling on the way to work. :)

The season of sunsets

2010-12-18T16:03:00.000+08:00

Lately its one after another. Disappointments. And every time a new one adds on to the list, I recall all the ones from before. Yes, its a short list because I don't let much effect me. What does effect me, effects me strongly.

I'm facing disappointment once again. And this time, the lump exists in my throat and yet theres not enough salt to make the tear appear. I suddenly find my shell building back, insulating. I suddenly find the seas rushing to my aid, drowning all land that connected me. I knew why I was an island. I knew why those walls existed. I definitely knew the protection they afforded me.

After all the drama, all the expectations, all those tough decisions for once I believed that what stood at the end of this dark tunnel I call home, was a ray of light. One that I was beginning to believe in, one that had started giving me a reason to hope again. But, no. Its not meant to be. I console myself saying, its not meant for me.

You know what the problem here is?

The fact that I was happy where I was. Contented with the way things were. And then, I was seduced out of my seclusion by a dream of long forgotten fantasies coming true. And each time I skeptically questioned it, my skepticism was blown to smithereens with a believe so strong that it became impossible not to fall.
And now, I've fallen knowing that I could either fly or shatter. I do not like the fact that as I took my first flight, the rug was pulled from under my feet. Still I do not congratulate you, for its not possible to shatter a broken mirror.

Skeptic says: And you thought this time it would be different? Brilliant.

I say: This idiot always knew how to curve her lips. Maybe sometime soon, she'll learn how to smile too.

You, me and the little monster.

2010-11-20T15:26:00.000+08:00

At times it becomes so easy to just turn the back and walk off in an obscure direction, down a dark, winding path shrouded by mist when faced with an annoying, little terror-quaking monster.

Today, I miss my school days. Because as much as I hated being in school, I always knew that dad would come and fetch me at 1.20 pm. I could go home, take lunch and forget the first half of my day. The monsters remained in school. Who cared?

I miss my teen days. Always having my group of friends to tell all and fantasize that no such monster existed. Always, while discussing other more important topics, usually the problems of the rest of the world.

Heck, I even miss my uni days. If no one was around in COE cafe, someone would surely be in the apartment to distract me. By then, pool games, group lunches at SK chinese veg and tea sessions in the evening became too important to dwell too much on the fact that the monster definitely existed. Did'nt see it as clearly and always thought that "future" me can deal with it. Why do it now?

Having lost myself so thoroughly within the bubble of my work, studies and friends that I conveniently kept ignoring that little monster who kept scratching the outer surface time and again. Who cared? I knew I was safe in my bubble.

Now, that little monster has had the audacity to poke its finger right into my bubble. And I'm not liking it. Its got me neatly trapped as the bubble slowly disintegrates.

Since, I'm not planning to escape I asked you to help me deal with that monster.

So why did the monster and me only saw you walking down that obscure direction, down the dark winding path shrouded by mist??

The awesome TwO-FiVe.

2010-11-02T15:55:00.000+08:00

If I could, I'd ask everyone around me if they remembered what they thought, what they felt and encompassed of their existence when they were 25. Conversations with different people has gotten me intrigued on the takes people have and the milestones they've hit at 25.

Some, are at the top of their world. In every possible way- career, financial, personal etc.

Some, have faced unimaginable traumas and have failed to rise above the depression.

Most, are just living on a day to day basis and not realizing that life is passing them by.

It is quite amazing that hitting the first quarter of the century, I no longer see myself back in IJ with Tia, Nisha, May Yen. I no longer find myself in uniten rushing for the 8 am classes and having endless cups of teh tarik at COE cafe with Firesh. I losing the last vestiges of even the time I spent stuck in jams at Jln. Tun Razak during the first few months of my career.

I've moved on this year more than I have in the last few years. I've taken crazy risks with my career, I've reconciled some lost friends, I've started studying again and I've seen new dimensions to life that I never thought I would.

If my 25th year is any indication of what the next 25 years to come are going to be like, then I know its going to be absolutely awesome. :)

iamspooked.part I.

2010-09-25T15:53:00.000+08:00

i intended my next blog post a summary of the rocking time i had in Mumbai recently. But thats not going to happen now.

Because I've been officially spooked. Ever had one of those unfortunate damn situations happen to you which you knew might happen but never really expected to happen? And your stomach dives from the 800th floor of a building, at the speed of sound, only to land so heavily that it can't pick itself up and can never be normal again?
The brain jams, all normal thoughts fly out of the planet and you start sweating like the temperature is suddenly 70 degrees celcius?

And all you want to do. All your instinct tells you to do. All you think you can do only to be able to breathe normally again is to - RUN. Run like there are a million mad dogs chasing after you waiting to drag you into hell permanently. Run like theres no tomorrow, the day after that and the day after after that. Run with every cell, every fiber, every damn chromosome in your body because you know if you stop, you'll be spooked again. And this time, it might just be permanent.
I've no damn interest in living in a nightmare. Nope.

The bridge of connectivity.

2010-06-13T22:41:00.000+08:00

Emotions very volatile things. The human being is a social animal. Put the two of those facts together and it brings me to the train of thought that catalyzed this post.
As reclusive as a person is, it is impossible to survive without human contact. Lets face it, there was Buddha who spent his lifetime roaming jungles alone and meditating centuries ago- something that no one from this day and age can do. And no, he was not carrying a blackberry, an iphone and a laptop with unlimited broadband connection.

Is it me, or is the need for human contact growing apace with technological advancement? When once phones did not exist, people used to write long letters to each other. Letters that would get to the recipient after a few weeks or months. Distance literally made the hearts grow fonder. Those who met after months of separation probably hugged each other tightly, appreciating the chance to meet once again and catch up face to face on the events that have occurred to each.
Now, we've got twitter and facebook which enable to know exactly what a friend thought about 3 seconds ago and comment or reply to it. We've got instant messengers that allow video chats. We can share pictures, videos, thoughts and info with another person who is halfway across the world too easily.

So, does the technology still allow people to still really miss being with each other? After all, the person is not only one phone call away but one facebook status away. Where people from a century ago used to meet at a town square or a coffee shop, it was to fulfill that need for human contact. To exchange news, problems and gossip.
Now, all of that has shifted mediums- thanks to technology. Pace of life has become so fast, that the only way left to keep in touch with the rest of humankind is to have a facebook account. Else, you would miss out on wedding invites, birthday celebrations and the latest scandals happening among your friends list.

Observing people around me, and being one of those human contact addicts myself, I've realized that the more technology advances, the lesser I meet real people. I've had friends that I've not met in a long time and yet happen to know the latest in their lives thanks to social networks. And no, there is no space left to miss them or the real fun times we used to have when the words 'social network' did not exist. Then the question pops up, are we missing out on the joys of life that can be attained by really meeting and interacting in person because of this addiction to social networking applications on our iphones?

At some level, I honestly feel that we are missing out. No, technology is not a bad thing that separates people. Some would argue the benefits that technology brings toward bringing people together. And I'd agree with those people. Then again, there are always two sides to a coin. The other side argues that although technology connects on many points, it also disconnects at those exact same points. The human is not going to change its fundamental needs of wanting attention and interaction with other humans. Its the way we're made. And while technology can be the infrastructure toward feeding those needs, this human thinks they should not become the sole channel of communication.

Why? Because while its alright to check your notifications the first thing in the morning now, no one would want to wake up someday to realize that the wonder years of life were spent updating facebook status-es. Coz thats not human. Thats the life of a robot.

What could have been...

2010-05-12T11:41:00.000+08:00

Our actions, thoughts and decisions today shape the paths that we see ahead of us tomorrow. This is something that everyone subconciously knows and yet theres hardly any mention of it. This is something that my lecturer from Business Systems class started off one of his lectures with recently. Its been there sitting quietly in my mind, dormant, all this while.

Everyone has memories of good times and bad times and really ugly times. More often than not when we do remember these times, if its a good time we reminiscence of how we'd like to go back to those times, those days. Or we even revisit the places and the people who may have made that memory possible.
If its bad or ugly, generally most regret whatever led to cause the memory to be a bad one. Or try to forget it, put it out of their minds and try to divert their attention to happier things around them. Why not, after all life is not for regrets.

I've never been a big fan of regrets. Heck, I'd proudly admit that I have very few regrets in life. Simply because even during the worse of decisions that need to be made, I've always done what my instincts told me to do. I probably always will.
Which is why sometimes I wonder at the twists and turns that have brought me where I am today. That the place where I stand on today is not where I saw myself standing at that one point of time. And then I wonder, what were my actions and decisions that placed me where I am now and not where I thought I should have been.
Do I regret my actions, now that I see them from the point of view of a 24 year old? Would I have acted differently, taken different decisions had I known what I'd feel many years down the road? Nah, I don't regret what I did nor where I am now. I just wonder.

I wonder because I suddenly saw someone else where I envisioned myself. Where I thought, very naively, very selfishly, that only I was the best fit for that position. Interesting how what I thought had ceased to matter, could still trigger so many emo-thoughts.

And then, I cannot help but think that my actions today, the decisions that I make today may not be the best of what a 30 year old me thinks. But one is unable to predict the future or the choices that come with it. All one can do is to go on living without regrets and accept that to err is only human and to forgive divine. Because as easy as it is to forgive others, to forgive oneself for mistakes made in the past that impact today becomes very hard. And then to learn to laugh at those mistakes a few years down the road is probably the lesson that my lecturer was ultimately trying to pass on to us.

Amazing, how what one learns within a business systems class can be so easily applied to the quirks of life.

For every reason NOT to.

2010-04-04T18:52:00.001+08:00

Its really quite simple. A wrong cannot be righted with another wrong. Why? Because although it may right the original wrong, it may leave a by-product of wrong which will require right-ing as well.
Then again, its all really individual perception on whether a wrong is really a wrong. What one may see as an ultimate hypocrisy may only be an ultimate truth to another. Or vice versa.

Yesterday, I had an issue with bullies. Today, I still do. I do not quite like bullies. Especially those who pretend to be the nicest of wolves wearing branded, hand stitched sheep coats. I accept that its human to make mistakes. Sadly, to keep repeating the mistakes no longer makes that hypocrite an idiot. It makes that hypocrite a very cruel idiot. One thats begging for the fates for karma-ic retribution. Wow, so thats one very serious paragraph. Whats the kicker that got me writing this piece?
I happen to be personally acquainted with such a hypocrite. One whose presence is blissfully forgotten about. And then it comes to my notice that she's trying to extricate herself from all that has happened to her by saying that no one understands anothers challenges and that not one person in the world gets what another is going through.

I agree absolutely that even the closest of friends will probably never understand individual challenges and that chances are others will never get what one is going through even when they go through the exact same thing. Its like perception. Different people will see each experience differently, will react differently and hence, have a different understanding of it.
In my book darling, that will always be the case BUT it does not mean you go out of your way to ruin it for others just because its been ruined for you. It does not mean that just because it did not go the way you wanted it, it should not go the way others need it to. Its NOT about understanding what the other persons challenges or troubles are, but about being there and lending a shoulder of support when needed. Not about a well manicured, shiny red fingernail between the shoulder blades.

Like friggin' as if she ever understood what others around her were going through when she was busy stepping on their heads just to get where she thinks she SHOULD be. I'm pretty sure she must have tried to feel their pain when she was busy setting fires on all the friendships around her.

She's bullying her way through life. She knows what she wants, how she wants it, where she wants and what time she should get it. Nothing wrong with that until she started rearranging and manipulating the lives of others to get it. Thats wrong. Strike One.

Did she realize where she was wrong? No. Did she ever apologize? No. Did she ever appreciate the efforts others made to forgive and forget just to keep friendship with her alive? No.
Strike Two.

Now thats all of rome has crashed around her ears, she's blaming innocent people around her for all the pain that she's going through. Might as well blame the world for existing without her permission. By all that finger pointing at others, all I see is a desperate attempt at a gone glory by bullying the emotions of others. Enough, already. God, forgive me.. thats Strike Three.

Trying to be one of those that gives everyone an additional chance where none should be given, this time I have every reason NOT to. Not anymore.

Based on...

2010-02-22T13:32:00.002+08:00

Lately, some might be aware that I'm writing again after a hiatus of more than 5 years. The latest WIP would be what I'd like to call abstract perspective. It may be a euphemism for "aimless rantings". Since I've been known to be my own harshest critic, I'm putting the first page of it here in hopes to get honest (yes, even brutally) opinions from those who read my blog. Please comment and tell me what you think. :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Based on a false LIKE story…

“Because love, even your rejection is an inspiration for me”. The first words that seeped out of a very numb me. I stood there, attempted a smile and failed. My eyes did not want to be cast down. They argued that there was no reason not to keep staring ahead. No reason not to keep wishing, hoping, praying what they saw was no truth. Optical illusions existed. Was this one, then? The eyes silently question.
The smile that failed earlier decided to show. Very poorly, however. The questions of the eyes failed at humouring. In that instant, a battle was lost.

I no longer wished for illusions. I wished for solitude. I did not wish strength. I wished clarity. Silence. I did not wish to feel. I did not wish to think. I wished to be on another plane. One where I am not vulnerable. One where there is no piercing pain, no endless hope, no absconding fantasies and no foolish thoughts.

Did I have the ability to speak? Could I still walk? Will sleep come to me as easily? Maybe. The question was, could I still breathe?
For all I wanted to talk about, did not exist. For all that was within my reach, now seemed beyond grasp. For every time I closed my eyes, they complained. They could no longer dream. And yet, every breath that kept me alive was unwanted. Rejected.

I have never experienced death. Never wished to. As I stood still, as my eyes stared ahead not wavering even for a blink, as my mind went numb and my heart went cold, I wondered for the first time if this is what death would feel like.
To know that your lifeblood is seeping out of you, drop after drop, slowly leeching your life away. To feel your soul leave you, as you stare ahead almost mesmerized by the wonder of it all. To know your mind has stopped, your heart does not beat anymore and your eyes are empty sockets.

Wait. Wait. Pause this. You do not get it, do you? Why would you? You have never seen me. You still don’t. You have never completed my thoughts. Probably never will. You are not one who anticipated my return, the one who bid me farewell.
You assumed you know me. In your arrogance, did you once ask yourself who I really am? Oh, but you think you know me. At this moment, you look as you always have. But you still fail to see. The blame is mine.
Wasn’t the world quoted to be a stage?
Well, at least the ghost of that smile returned at that.

I will not let my eyes well up, just yet. That I am hurt will not show in them. So what if I want to be surrounded by darkness. The engulfing blackness seductively calling my name. Though, I have never once existed there. It was never my place. So why does it tempt me so much, this darkness at this moment?
I jerk back to reality, I am aware of my surroundings and I am still breathing. I have never felt more rigid. Sounds are much louder, harsher. Could someone please turn the music off?

A student once again..

2010-02-03T20:16:00.000+08:00

Yes, it has finally happened. After thinking about it since the last day of uni in April 2007. After researching universities, different courses, locations and costs to unofficially work as a career councellor. And after rearranging my life to resemble a very poorly put together puzzle, I've finally embarked upon my post-graduate studies journey.

What? - Masters of Science in Business Information Technology (a freaking mouthful, eh?)

Where? - KDU @ PJ (the worlds WORST ever location to have a university at!)

Affiliated with?- Northumbria University, UK.

Why?- Well, because I was starting to rot in Malacca due to lack of activity, productivity for the last 5 months.

How long?- On the part-time basis that I'm doing, 1.5 to 2 years.

Oddly that crazy-ambitious-I-must-be-the-highest-scorer-in-class attitude is MIA this time round. Probably because of that, it feels really good to be back in a classroom. Other people my age have expressed interesting reactions to this, mainly- horror! and hilarity. To go back to studies when one could be out there in the thick of the rat race, making money and connections with the powers that be, seems royally idiotic.

Well, idiotic or not, I know that I am back in my element. True that this may be a stepping stone to a better position in my career (non-existent at the moment), but to me life has always been about learning. Doing masters at this point could not have been a better decision. For once. :)

The second chance..

2010-01-05T15:29:00.003+08:00

Toward the end of 2009, I had a lot of time to reflect and let my thoughts roam til whichever boundaries they wanted. Being on a long, undetermined break meant not having to constraint my thoughts to certain time periods or putting the mind on a time limit. I no longer had to issue warnings like- "5 minutes to dinner. Finish thinking this in the next 4 minutes and 59 seconds..."

I've had ample chances of catching up with many friends/family throughout the past almost 4 months. Done quite a bit travelling as well. I now consider myself among the luckiest people I know. Simply because I gave myself the chance to slow the sprint to a stroll. Because I let myself think at my own pace, in any direction that I wanted to go in. Its weird how everyone had decided that I've got everything I want a few months ago, when all I thought was "what do I have?".

Having taken this break, I've had the time to come to conclusions and make decisions at my leisure. I am sure of the paths that I want to walk on. Mistakes have been realized and learnt from. I know there was once that I chased perfection. Did that because nothing seemed better, beyond that. Lately I've asked myself, why stop there?

As 2009 came to a close, many asked me what would my new resolutions be. This time, I do not have any resolutions. Because this new year, I have no master plans, no goals, no targets, nothing.
In 2010, all I want to do is to live, dream, succeed and move on.

Happy New Year, folks.
Cheers :)

Beautifully Imperfect

2009-12-03T16:20:00.000+08:00

That you think too much,
laugh at the same antics,
disagree the same motions,
but argue them all the same.

That sympathy for the unknown,
feigned aloofness at what is,
when you talked about a feeling,
how did I know what you missed?

you know what I was to say,
when I guess whats on your mind,
the same felt when I asked,
when you answered no question of mine.

heading the same direction,
maybe dreaming the same dream,
wanting the same things,
to share or not though, what do you think?

the melodies aren't same,
yet we sing the same lyrics,
who knows, it maybe what it takes,
to make beautifully imperfect music.

-Inspired by the little things that makes life memorable and worth living. Dedicated to those who make it such for every special person in their lives-

Stranger friends, Friendly Strangers.

2009-10-18T01:26:00.000+08:00

Its strange. At least I find it strange.
How some people known that we've known for the longest time suddenly become people we don't know. Strangers. The longer we've known them, the more incomprehensible they seem. Conversations that once could flow faster than thought could formulate, now becomes stilted. Paused. Filled with heavy silences and awkwardness.
Stranger still.
How sometimes people who aren't part of our social circle, heck who have never been part of any aspect of our lives suddenly become those we can talk to most freely with.
There isn't a need to know them because they just feel very comfortable to converse with. It doesn't matter who they are, where they come from. They're there and they can relate to whatever thats going on in your head at the moment.

Strangest of all.
How it takes the utmost effort to speak of the blandest of topics to those who have known you for an age. How an unfamiliar face could hold your attention and the conversation for hours effortlessly, having met you only that once.

And.

How much effort a person makes to fill in the blanks for those who have known them the longest. How much effort it doesn't take to speak your mind, your heart to someone you've known for barely a few minutes.

Strange. Strange how those who have known you for years, still don't see. And yet, those who know you for minutes see it quite clearly.
Strange, indeed.

Lo Siento.

2009-09-09T15:27:00.003+08:00

How offensive can one get? Whats the limit of offense one can take or give?
Probably there's no answer to that which can be applied to everyone.

In the same vein, how many times do we apologize to others? For every mistake made, every offense given, every error that happened, should it be intentionally or unintentionally?
This one, each individual will know for themselves.

I've seen some who apologize even when its not their fault. And I've known those who arrogantly look down at those they've trampled on.
Sure, the latter scenario is not cool. Then again, how many of us actually look at the villain in every scene and wonder if the situation can be seen in a different light? Or if the situation is seen in a different light, would we still condemn the same person?
Oh, but thats a topic for another blog.

Having a strong persona and stronger opinions on most things, I've been among those condemned out of hand for every action, every reaction and every facial expression.
Those who have actually done this, will read this and smile (well, I hope you do!). Those who haven't, well you probably haven't spend so much time with me yet. Hahah.
I did not see a reason to feel bad to the reactions I cause in others.
Each individual probably cannot control how others react to them, but they can control how they react to others. Others should have known better than to react to my actions that way. If they didn't, not my problem right?!
Nope.
Having made a mistake, even unintentionally, a smart person will know how to cover it or smooth the situation. A more compassionate person, will apologize.
Generally, the combination of the two traits above in a single person makes that person very magnetic. It gives the person the power to be able to manipulate others very effectively. Unknowingly, this is what I've been doing for years.

In my eyes, only an idiot will make mistakes without knowing how to extricate himself out of the tangle smoothly. The world has become too wicked for that kind of arrogant attitude to be tolerated.
A long conversation with an old friend reminded me that through the passage of time I've been an awful maniac to deal with. A longer reflection on my actions of the recent brought me to the conclusion that even manipulating the reaction of others is wrong.
Who knew I'd become so damn jaded? Oh wait, the fact that I realized that doesn't make me a totally gone case does it? :)

Having given myself a second chance at life, an apology is probably due to a lot of people for a lot of reasons. After all, I might have had people saying crazy things about me behind my back and though I try not to do the same thing to others, I know I'm guilty of having horrendous thoughts for those people on occasion. I'm only human, just like the rest of the world.

Hence, Lo Siento. From the bottom of my heart.

(yes, I know who you are and exactly what you said about me. And yeah, I cannot be bothered to bother yet.)

Communication, the TWO way street.

2009-08-13T19:14:00.003+08:00

Sometime very early this morning, I had a very horrible dream. As I woke up, the details of the dream started escaping me rapidly and in the disorientation of having been jolted from a deep sleep I could only recall that it was about me letting it out on one of the closest people to me - twinnie.

As far as I can recall, we've never had a fight. Literally, never. And yet, "things" haven't been what they used to be between us for the past few years.
What hit me at 5 am+ in the morning were questions. Like what went wrong? or did anything even go wrong? When did it crack and what drove it wider, that those cracks gradually became huge gaps?

Questions like this plague people who suddenly realise that there might be a problem, except they dont know when, how or where the problem appeared from? Leaves one bewildered, a bit baffled especially at that early hour.
Giving it some thought, it hit me that the answer was quite simple - communication.

It went dead. How many times have we received those annoying emails about how much we should appreciate our friends, and that we'll be friends till the end of our lives?
Ever thought that that might be an attempt of someone to remind you that they still exist? Or maybe, that they still remember your existence?

Its said that it takes but a moment to destroy and years to build. The opposite can also be true. At times, we click so well with total strangers that we feel we've known them for years. Instant bestfriends. Dont even need to add the hot water.

And years, distance and other priorities sometimes create cracks in rock solid friendships. Slowly widening the gaps until a time comes when you dont even know the person you once used to be the closest confidante of.

Reaching close to 6 am, I came to a conclusion. For those who have been close once, its never to late to try and bridge the gap. Someone will need to make the first move, of identifying the gaps and slowly cementing them close.
There is no point in one person making the effort, though. Because communication is a two way street, love, of course your download wont complete if you arent sending any data packets.
The was a reason why two people were close at one point of time. Sure, times have moved ahead and people change, the one thing that doesnt change is the reason you once clicked so well.
It may feel awkward for a few seconds but hey, being able to smile and talk the way you used to is quite priceless.

Coming for the Break Up Party..?

2009-08-05T10:08:00.003+08:00

Ok, first off - answer this HONESTLY:
How many people you know have actually thrown a party together in honour of their break up?
I'd hazard a guess for most people and the answer would probably range from "None" to "eh, break up party?! why would anyone do that?"

Imtiaz Ali's latest- Love Aaj Kal captured my undivided attention from that point onwards. Before that, I was too busy admiring Deepika Padukone's long, lustrous hair.
The story is so different from what I normally see in the romance genre and yet so refreshingly real. It basically wraps itself around the idea that people in this day and age look at relationships from a very practical angle and a very logical view.
You click, you hangout, you enjoy each others' company and if you have other priorities to chase, its alright. Strings attached can be undone with mutual smiles.
Thats what Jai (Saif Ali Khan) & Meera (Deepika Padukone) think, belief and practice.
They are the couple of today - cool, career oriented and focused on their individual dreams. Sort of like the taste of black coffee, its a personal choice.

Unlike the love stories that happened 20 years ago, where one Veer Singh cycles after a Harleen Kaur, after just one look at her. Or that, he vows that she and only she will be his wife, in this life and all future lifes. The whole era of guy chasing the girl, the family promising to kill the guy for looking at their daughter and the couple eloping in the end. Old school dipped-in-sugar-water romance.

Personally, I found the storyline absolutely captivating. Having said that, its equally amazing that such a storyline could be unfolded on screen with such ease and elegance. This is because, both the love stories above are shown concurrently.
When I saw Veer Singh chasing the train, I went into a frown.. Why is Jai suddenly wearing a turban??
No doubt about it, this movie needs the viewer to really focus on whats going on screen. And that would be hard work (and we go to the cinema to chill out, not to tax our minds even more!), if not for the fact that each scene in the movie gets out to grab your attention and hold it tight.

The songs are chartbusters though I've got to admit it, the only song in the entire album that I've really gotten quite obsessed with is "Twist". While watching the movie, I suddenly had to make mental notes to go listen to "Chor Bazari", "Dooriyan" and "Aahun aahun". I got to say it, heard "Chor Bazari" once, and I loved the lyrics. :)

So how were the performances? I really didn't expect such a real performance from Deepika. Really. Maybe because in my head she's always been the looker. Like she gets through her movies because of her looks (and hell, she is gorgeous!). But, in LAK, I really liked her. She's definitely on my list of actresses whos movies I look out for.
And Saif? Well, he's popular, he's spectacular and he's also the producer! But Saif can't dance saala! I noted that during KHNH and I'm confirming that again.
Oh, but putting that one aside he practically carries the entire movie! Made me feel that I should be right there, beside him, telling him that I understand your confusion, your dilemma, your thoughts!
He has brought on both characters of the younger Veer and Jai in the movie so, so naturally. For me Saif has had performances that I can't erase from my head over the years (Hamesha, HSSH, KHNH, Hum Tum to name a few) but LAK just topples them all. Its like if he was already awesome, he just decided he's better and went out and gave his best performance to date. I'll be watching for his name among the award nominees, for sure.
Rishi Kapoor makes a very sweet older Veer, the younger Harleen could have said a bit more (I thought her character was mute), Rahul Khanna was like barely there and the Jo girl was boring.

All in all, I walked out of the cinema smiling. Its a feel good movie, one that I'd definitely be getting a DVD to watch again.

Will you marry me?

2009-07-13T15:46:00.002+08:00

Hahah.. nope, thats DEFINITELY NOT a proposal.

Its a lyric quoted from "Om Mangalam" - Kambakhht Ishq. One song that I hear at least once a day. Everyday, since the day its downloaded.
Yes, the one song that has toppled "Mauja hi Mauja" from the #no 1 spot in my personal playlist. Love the mix of the mantra, english dialogues, very sexy vocals and hell, sexier dance moves in the video. :)
The rest of the album doesn't disappoint either - with kambakhht ishq and lakh lakh bringing out as much naughtiness available mixed in with dhol beats.
Bebo felt like the stupidest song with the stupidest lyrics, from the first time I heard it. Kind of reminded me of the "kanda lelo, aloo lelo" dialogue in Welcome. Heheh..

Om Mangalam being the preview of the movie, there were sky high expectations from Kambakhht Ishq. And why not? Audiences have been starved to death for some spicy, masaledaar movie the past few months.
Which makes Kambakhht Ishq's timing perfect, hey no wonder its like grossing 100 mil in the first week itself.
Sweeping it up, Kambakhht Ishq does not disappoint. Sets / locations were awesome, costumes were to die for (the dresses! *sigh*), dialogues spot on, chemistry exploding on screen and Stallone totally stealing the hearts of the entire audience.

Without prejudice, I'll admit one thing - Kareena has the hottest bod in the industry. One that any girl would be happily jealous of. Oh and this time round, her acting wasn't all that bad either. Post JWM, she's actually getting better. Then again, it isn't so hard to get the audience to see her in the "vain-snobbish" role, she's done her absolute worst in K3G. This felt like a much better, watered down version of that. Heh..

Akshay has always been the khiladi. Oh, he's done a multitude of roles (and rocked practically every genre), but this super-stuntman role was probably like hand made for him. Add a bit of playboy attitude to that, and give him a wildcat to play with.. one catches the BEST of Akshay on screen, once again.

Storyline dipped in the second half (first half is like a continuous laugh-fest), but it was a good dip as it allowed the perfect finishing in the end. Me liked it.
All in all, if everything is going wrong for the day/week.. go watch K Ishq. Know why? I know I haven't laughed this much throughout a movie, since.. well, I dont know when.

Don't wanna live with it, Can't live without it..

2009-07-02T15:17:00.000+08:00

If you love what you do, then work becomes a hobby. If you hate what you do, then work becomes a burden.

See the entire problem with that is, the part about loving what one does. Lets face it, in the current recession climate having a job itself is a privilege.

So, even if one hates their job, they continue slogging day in, day out. If for no other reason, simply because they dont want to find another job and go through the entire torturous interview process again. But thats a discussion for another entry.

The question for this entry is- Why is it that most people end up in the wrong job?
*Here I'm referring to those who hold credible qualifications*.

a) They were desperate for a job right after graduating that they took the first available offer?
b) They got in for the hefty salary & mindblowing benefits package- screw the job description?
c) They weren't sure what the job is about - heck, why not experiment?
d) All their friends were joining that company, the day after graduation. They didnt want to be left out, why not follow the crowd?

Nope, the answer is not any of the above. Its ALL OF THE ABOVE (and probably more, but the above four are the reasons that come to mind now).

So, once the mistake is made (and it suddenly strikes our friend that they detest the job they're doing), whats their next action??

Where some smart people would quit and do what they really think they should be doing (yes, at this point they should have already figured out what they really want to do!), some not so smart people would continue doing the job that they hate and torture themeselves further.

Ok, so they arent exactly crazy in the head so they dont do it to torture themselves further. They do it because they dont know where to go next. Or they are afraid of not being able to land on their feet if they let this one go.

It isnt easy dealing with insecurities and old ghosts of uncertainties of decisions. And yes, its very easy for the rest of the world to advocate both sides of the arguement.
Ultimately, the decision is in the hands of the person going through the dilemma (yes, this applies to every other problem in life too).
I'd say this- Make a very careful, calculated decision should you really think that you are in the wrong industry/career/field or heck, maybe you just hate your job.

Having an agenda on next steps after the resignation letter is handed in, is NOT enough.
Are you financially secure? If you're not, and you still want to resign, whats your back up?
How ready are you to give up a high flying life? No job would mean very limited shopping.
Most importantly, as you chase your dream, how long will it take you to get there?

Sure, we dont know if success is waiting at the end of the tunnel but we can figure some things out.

Recently, someone said that I'm among the few he knows that makes lightning quick decisions. I dont hesitate if I know what I want.
I wouldn't completely agree with that - I've been known to have lightning quick changes of mind, as well.
Though, I guess at the end of the day, every decision that I make has a solid basis of information. Being a realist, I like to know the worse ever that I'll face, so that I'm prepared. Always make sure you have a safety net, should the opportunity to fall ever beckon.
True, some decisions that I've made will never make sense to others (even the ones closest to me). Its common for others to think that your decision is the biggest mistake of your life.
Then again, I believe that although you can learn from the mistakes of others, life is too damn short not to be learning from your own. What say?

Sonnet 17 - Pablo Neruda

2009-05-28T16:08:00.001+08:00

This is one poem that I've read a part of before. And now its a poem that has found its way into my blog-

Sonnet 17

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

in which there is no I or you
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand
so intimate that when you fall asleep it is my eyes that close

Pablo Neruda

Awesome Angels & Demons Disappointed

2009-05-13T11:57:00.006+08:00

*Before I annihilate this review with all the heartpain that I had to go through while watching the movie, let me say this-
SPOILERS ALERT!
*Continue reading if, and only if you couldn't care less about the movie experience*

Lets get a few things straight off answered first-
- Yes, its definitely better than da vinci. Simply because the visuals were brought to life, there a few key sequences were executed BRILLIANTly and Ewan mc gregor is perfectly cast. Oh, and I didn't see people leaving the cinema in the middle of the movie, unlike da vinci.
- Its a worth watch for those who aren't fans of the book and go in without any expectations.

The movie opens straight off on two major subplots - Antimatter creation and the death of the Pope.
Both sequences were strictly mediocre and over-stretched, which resulted in the omission of the Dr.Vetra character. Yep, Vittoria Vetra's father does not exist in the movie and hence, effectively all subplots about Victoria's past are obliterated. But thats not the biggest hit a core A&D fan endures.
As the camera homes in the CERN facility, you breathe deep, sit up in your seat waiting to come face to face with Maximillian Kohler.
Then, as the lab is shown... you slowly slump. Max Kohler is also NOT part of the movie. My face was definitely grimacing in disgust at this point.

Fine, I'll excuse Langdon's entrance but its not possible to excuse Vittoria's entrance. What happened to all that marine biologist ultra profile entrance?
Having been thoroughly disheartened in the first 10 minutes, I prepared myself to endure the next 110 minutes.
Luckily, Mc Gregor appears as the saving grace for A&D in the form of the camerlengo. He dominates the screen, he dominates the movie and he outclasses all others who share the frame with him. But more about the characters later.

If nothing else, I'd got to hand it to Ron Howard for flawless death sequences for the preferiti. The gruesome murders came alive on screen. Camera angles were so perfect, one feels catapulted right into the Vatican. One second you're in Chigi chapel, and the next you're beside Langdon in the oculus. Oh, the awesome-ness.

Sequences in the Vatican Archives, the chase through the Path of Illumination are straight out of the book. Some mindblasting scenes that remained etched in my mind are:
- the death of the cardinal in Chigi Chapel. Gruesome, shocking, amazing.
- Langdon trying his best to save the burning cardinal. The assassin brought smiles with his clean, clean murders. Loved it!
- Langdon trying to save Cardinal Baggia from drowning. Perfection.
- Camerlengo branding himself.. surpassed all expectations! Awesome sequence.
- Shots of the crowds outside St.Peter's square, you got to love it.
- Antimatter annihilation
- Camerlengo's speech to the College of Cardinals. P-O-W-E-R-F-U-L!

But, but, but there were some serious downers. Already Dr.Vetra & Max Kohler were not included, but Gunther Glick's character was also missing! He would have been the one character that would add just the right amount of humour to the movie. Sad!
Also, there are scenes in the movie which really just lengthen the movie and this has caused the storyline to be chopped off quite severely. First, the story is badly chopped in places where it shouldn't be, and then they go and alter the story.
Oh, c'mon!
The one thing that is repeated from Da Vinci is the alteration of the ending. So pissing off!!

Characterization is way better in A&D, no doubts about that. Though, all Silas lovers will find the Hassassin lacking. Sure, he's fast, accurate and clean in his killings. But the character demanded the perverted sense of enjoyment in the murders. Someone that would get the audience shivering with fear one minute and break out in sweat another. This dude just left me cold.
You'll go- "yea sure, you play awesome counter-strike, but move on to the next murder already!".
Langdon wasn't as disappointing as in Da Vinci. I saw the professor on screen this time around instead of the blur-cased actor.
Vittoria's character had so, so, so much room for creativity and to stand out but she just felt like some background extra who is there to ornament the screen. Cheh, like this should have just cut her off too right.
The show-stealer was undoubtedly the Camerlengo. His is the only character that wow-ed me.

All in all, book fans are going to be disappointed a bit. The rest, will probably go read the book after they watch the movie.

Box of glass.

2009-04-20T17:45:00.002+08:00

Looking out a glass box,
Muted life flows around,
Colours, harmony, feuds, seasons
Bathed in glorious motion
Each on its own, and yet binded
Not knowing, not noticing, yet living
Going on and on and on

I speak, scream and it goes unheard
I hear, melodies of silence,
Whispered promises and fairy tales
The senses see, feels the existence
Yet, helplessness engulf, each
individual thought of freedom,
becomes a betrayal most sweet.

Youth, visions and hopes of miracles
intoxicate, encourages the child
to walk the walk of passion,
to rebel, to lose, to win, to love
but,victories aren't meant for you
no mystery it is to solve, no hoax
for you live in a glass box.

-20th April 2009, MC-

THE List

2009-04-16T13:46:00.002+08:00

If I could (ok, I can.. just the matter of time), this is the list of things I'd love to do-

1. Watch movies ALL DAY LONG. Literally.
2. Take up violin lessons.
3. Cook exotic, vegetarian dishes.
4. Do my law degree.
5. Watch series / serials ALL DAY LONG (when I'm not watching the movies)
6. Read books all day long (the endless list, when I'm not watching movies/series)
7. Start off on a new story (and finish the 3 that are pending)
8. Take long holidays around the world. (Peru, Australia, France, Rome.. *sigh*)

Right, now I'll stop dreaming.

Steps

2009-03-31T16:00:00.001+08:00

Nice was that solitude, on the steps
Found me contemplating, thoughts far away
Halcyon serenity, the skies smiled down
Funny how a March morning felt like May.

Prolly it were them, for the solitude remained
Yet it engulfed all lone dark corners
twinkled the eyes, breeze light i became
fear of flight didnt exist for this loner

Twirled the passing feather by,
sunbursts, oh and that drunk butterfly,
my face tilted, and i saw that wonder,
you stared, as starlets fell from the sky

The waltz was slow, tantalizing, soothing
eyes conveyed definitions startling depths
when you walked away, a wave, smiling,
and I was left sitting alone, on the steps.

- 20th March '09 -

Beautiful depression.

2009-02-22T21:28:00.002+08:00

every human has their own demons to face. how does one express restlessness, aimlessness, the scattered thoughts that refuse to come together, the choice of taking one road, travelled or otherwise.

some call it writers block. some name it a type of schizophrenia.
the thoughts that gnaw at your self, fighting to reach out to something.
something that you dont know the existence of. something that is yet undefined. something that you know should you achieve it, you'd be complete.
or completed.

the question is not how to control this. its more about understanding what this is. what causes this. and then to find it in yourself to let it be.
to be a scholar and not an adventurer.
something like, being the similar 1's that sum up to a 2 and yet being distinct, each different than its own.

all this, triggered by one song. one song that used to be an addiction at one point of time. one depressing, depressing song with depressing lyrics and yet i used to listen to it all the time. heck, there used to be a friend who used to be similarly addicted to the same song and we listened to it so many times, we even argued about the lyrics. i never understood at that time why i listened to it so much. today after almost 2 years, it hit me.

this excerpt from the song-
"mujhe phir tabah kar,
mujhe phir rula jaa,
sitam karne waale,
kahin se tu aaja..

aakhon mein teri hi surat basi hai,
teri hi tarah,
tera gham bhi haseen hai.."

I've always loved solving complexities. nice to have the solution of one i didnt even know i was looking for staring me in the eye, for once.

Fate v/s me

2008-12-14T21:21:00.004+08:00

Having come across one of my older compositions, it occured to me that if I am indeed facing tough times right now, this isnt the first time. Hence, if I have face-down with fate and come out of it alive, why am I unable to do it this time?

For want of a little bit of inspiration for the next 6.5 months, here goes one from the year of 2007-

Loneliness that once symbolized
The void that embodied me
Solitary, I walk tall, alone, again
Again, because fate beat me.

I wasn't that brave, courage
None of it strengthened me,
Yet, as I offered myself to a heartless slaughter,
Even there, fate beat me

Catalyst, none I needed, not
When elation couldn't reach me
Then, without warning I fell fast,
Couldn't fly, because fate just beat me.

Sizzling, once when I'd tempted temptation,
And challenges went defeated from me,
Crushed with such finesse, never, I won't
Again, ever let fate beat me.

The last line reminded me of a promise I made to myself a long time ago. And I've been reminded right in the nick of time too. :)

The stings of individuality.

2008-12-11T23:06:00.003+08:00

How would you define a character flaw?
Would your character flaw be similar to that of another?
Would something you see as a character flaw not be a flaw in the eyes of another?

Its a matter of individual perception how flaws are defined. So if everyone has their own idea of what a flaw is supposed to be, what gives one person the right to condemn another based on his/her own perception of flaw that the other person has?

When not one person is perfect, it would only logically mean that everyone surely has some sort of flaw in them. Having established that, the next question is- Do each of us realize what our flaws are?
If we do, what are we choosing to do about them?

Majority will say that should they realize they have some kind of character flaw, they will try to improve themselves. In an ideal world, thats only human nature.
How if, knowing that they have flaws, some choose not to do anything about it?
Would that mean that they are happy in their own skins, and damn the world?
Isn't it a personal choice to keep doing an inventory of oneself and finding problems to solve?
Is it so much a crime to choose to live they one is, without constantly jumping at the littlest critism?
Thats one branch of thought.

Another branch grows toward the perceptions of the people around us. Most of us (i say most here because there may exist the paragon who is an exception) have an opinion about the people we interact with. Be it family, friends or colleagues.
At one point or another, surely the thought about someone we know and the character flaws that we see in them would have crossed the mind.
The question now is- What do you do about it?
Sure, you think someone is seriously intolerable and needs a change of attitude.
And this person actually does have a nice and sensetive side as well. Not to mention, you are pretty close with this person and would not want any bad feelings between the two of you.
So, do you voice your opinion out to this person?
Or do you keep quiet and let the irritation fester?
Or in typical style go and tell every other person about your thoughts except for that one person who triggered the thought?

Its quite eye opening when such everyday issues are argued from both sides. There are pros and cons to each question asked above. And with each answer, each individual will have their own opinion. And each of that opinion will have an arguement to support or against it.
For me, its never easy to voice out something unpleasant to people one holds dear. Yet, should you really care for someone, you should be the person alerting that someone about his/her defects so that person at least knows.
One should always put oneself in the shoes of another and think- "If it were me, would I want to know this?"

Anymore than that is an individual decision, just as it is an individual thought.

Groomed to hate.

2008-10-25T13:10:00.003+08:00

The human mind will believe what its told without question when the source is someone a person trusts fully.
When one does not have any reason to doubt a word of whats being told.
Sometimes this can be a form of subtle brainwashing which is done throughout a long period of time.
When an entity that you have no reason to question from the time you are introduced, expresses opinions and ideas in very eloquent way, convincing anyone around that what is being said is the unvarnished truth and if the person absorbing this information does not have the mental and emotional ability to dissect the information, he or she will accept it unconditionally.
The next step would be to build on the information provided earlier. If the first has taken root deeply, the build up will be quite easily absorbed. And now, the person being brainwashed thinks that what is being said is absolutely logical, makes total sense and when the mind accepts it, emotions get attached to the idea that was previously just something one heard once.
After that, its really quite easy to convince a person to be so involved in the idea up to a stage where the brainwashed person will actually take action upon the idea that is rooted so deeply that it has evolved into an obsession that nothing and no one can eradicate.

People are groomed to hate on every level and in every society.
Groomed to hate what?
The answer to that is a list which is too long to be categorized. From the top of my head I can think of a few.

On a political front, people are groomed to love or hate every single day. From the time a person only knows what a political party is but has no idea what are the underlying reasons behind each political agenda. Leaders who are great orators have been able to sway crowds into committing acts of heinous crimes. Hitler managed to millions of Jews murdered just on a basis of hatred. How did this happen? Everyone was living in harmony and no one hated their Jew neighbours. Then, someone came along and so effectively carried out an agenda of hatred that an entire race almost literally got gassed off the face of earth.

On a family front, a child can be influenced to believe anything that a parent or a sibling tells them. When, from a young age a kid has been told to dislike something because its bad, when all grown up, the dislike would have festered into full blown hatred. Sometimes up to the point where the grown up adult no longer realizes words or actions that are meant to intentionally hurt the person they've been brought up to look down and hate.

On a religious front, a devotee that has full faith in his religion can be led to do atrocious actions in the name of religion and beliefs when he or she is convinced that the actions of others is harmful to the religion that he so staunchly believes in. In that situation, fanaticism is born. Normal, carefree youth become terrorists in the name of religion.
Why? Because someone who is an awesome orator came up with a theory that there are forces out there that is a threat to their religion. The religion that teaches one to be peaceful, loving people becomes the reason the same people become violent and hateful. So hateful in fact, that they believe innocent lives need to be taken in order to make a point to the world. A point which build up in the name of a religion. A religion that preaches peace and harmony. So fanatic beyond limits that they justify their religion contradicting actions as something that is necessary to keep the religion itself existing.
If only they'd stop and think, they would realize that religion and beliefs were never created to be defended with violence. Instead, religion itself exists to make humans behave with humanity.

The same goes for people from all walks of life in every situation that they are in every minute of the day. Everyone has an opinion and the freedom to voice that opinion. To believe fully in the expressed opinion is an individual right. However, I'd say, the world would be a much better place if everyone at least stopped and pondered upon the ideas governing their actions and the impact of the action before committing it.
After all, I've always most firmly believed that there is a reason behind letting humans have intelligence compared to other beings.

Navratri magic.

2008-10-04T17:09:00.003+08:00

Navratri is on, and the past 4 days have been the MOST ROCKING in the past 3 months! Yes, this even includes BUM weekend and the night out with Deepz.

There is just something that lifts me to higher plane when I'm on the floor, dancing my heart out to the drum beats. That something that just keeps pushing me forward, turn after turn doing the chalti, knowing that I'm doing something well and so well that I'm giving a lot of people a reason to stare. Hahah..

No matter how much I'm unable to walk straight the next morning, when I'm in the temple and the dhols beats surround me, I forget myself. Its like going on a emotional high, one that is experienced when a feeling of pure euphoria comes over. You know you're flying. And flying so high, so gracefully, entrancing anyone who looks and enjoying it to the maximum .
Its not everyday that one gets to experience such levels of joy. This is the reason why no matter what, every year I come back down to Malacca for navratri. Even if its only for the weekend.

This year's navratri is even more special. Because probably after years my family got the honour of buying the closing aarti of the day.
I remember the days when a teenage me used to envy those who would bid the highest price to get the closing aarti (especially on Friday and Saturday nights). I guess it got stuck in my head that when I'm able to I want to be the person who outbids all others to get that honour. At times, it felt like its not possible.

They say that with God's grace, if one tries hard enough, one can make all dreams come true. The feeling of pride, that something that quietly tells you that you have done something good, something that gives you the sense of being worthwhile is what I experienced when I took the aarti in my hands.

It felt amazing. You get an answer to why things are the way they are. You see that there is a purpose to life after all. And that there is reason you're alive. A reason why you're on earth and the purpose of life itself. Just one of the many answers out there.

Sometimes, the answers are all out there. Waiting to be found, to be discovered. Its just the matter of searching hard enough.

I am TRYing

2008-08-17T13:23:00.002+08:00

Lately, two songs keep haunting my head 25/7 (yes, even when I'm super stressed from work). They are, 'Kau Ilhamku' by Man Bai and 'I try' by Macy Gray.
Any guesses as to why?

I Try- Macy Gray

Games, changes and fears
When will they go from here
When will they stop
I believe that fate has brought us here
And we should be together
But wer,e not
I play it off but I'm dreamin of you
I'll keep it cool but I'm fiendin.
I try to say goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near
Goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near

I may appear to be free
But I'm just a prisoner of your love
I may seem alright and smile when you leave
But my smiles are just a front
I play it off but I'm dreamin of you
I'll keep my cool but I'm fiendin
I try to say goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near

Here is my confession
May I be your possesion
Boy I need your touch
Your love kisses and such
With all my might I try
But this I can't deny
I play it off but im dreamin of you
I'll keep my cool but I'm fiendin
I try to say good bye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near

Girl all the bad guys want.

2008-08-12T00:02:00.003+08:00

Last weekend was spent at Damai Laut Spa and Resort for BUM and it was amazing!
There are so many things I never thought I'd do and I did them all at BUM.I guess the atmosphere was such.
The freedom, the fun and my friends (the NJ's- we definitely rock!) were the reason that all the stress accumulated in the past 2 months was released majorly on the dance floor (and some in the pool).

Doing something crazy gives me a high that no alcoholic drink can. Add doing something absolutely rebellious and I'm pretty much drunk of naughtiness.
In my previous entry, I did highlight on how tough it is to be a responsible adult.
But,but,but.. quoting RT-"We work hard, we play harder".
I was definitelly missing out on the play part.

Working life is so different from that of a student. In every aspect one becomes an individual. More confident, more independent and definitely more mature.
Thats when someone who really wants to go far in their career should balance their work/life well. Else, one will end up working all day long, coming back, taking dinner, showering and going to sleep.
Forget social life, one would soon stop having a life altogether. And 20 years down the road when one day you wake up and smell the burnt coffee, you realize that your youth has left you long back with your friends and laughter.
To excel, I believe that the right attitude and outlook is very important when at work. This is definitely not going to stem from not having anything else in life aside work.

I had decided to have a career that I loved. To love my job and the work that I do. Just the way relationships dont work only with the initial interest, a career requires a person to actively nurture it. And that is NOT by working round the damn clock. Its by knowing when to stop, how far to plan, when to pull out all stops and ensuring full focus and quality in everything you do.
This cannot happen when one is an uncurable workaholic. Because that, only ends up creating burn-outs.

All in all, I know that at times I am very slow on the uptake of my mistakes. Rest assured that once I do realize of my mistake, its rectified almost immediately if I can help it.
Thus, having been an unbearably dull person the last few months (yea, yea I know).. I'm onto full on party girl mode from now on.
Screw the damn society if they have a problem with me.
I only have one life in which I'd rather please myself than anyone else.
Call me selfish, really.. who cares, hey?

Being the analyst.

2008-07-27T09:40:00.002+08:00

What does it mean to be an adult?

6 weeks back, I answered this question with full confidence saying that being an adult means responsibility (of yourself and others), means maturity and wisdom (which a lot of people lack) and it means a lot of patience.

This is such a textbook answer!

Because, 6 weeks later-
Being adult means, living on my own, taking full charge of my expenses, compromising with my landlady, handling work stress and demanding bosses and clients, solitary dinners and traffic jams every morning!

Looking at it from my 18 year old point-of-view, it looks so amazing. Like this is EXACTLY where I saw myself at 23.
The 23 year old me thinks that THIS is not an easy life to lead. Being a university student (yes, even a final year project student) is way easier than this.
Because, you can take things at your own pace. Living in uni is way cheaper, you can grab that few extra hours of sleep by skipping class and at the end of the day, you have only got to answer ONCE in the exam paper.

Working life is so different. One answers everyday to supervisors, bosses and clients. One needs to step with extreme caution, think 100 times before speaking and wake up early to try and get to work on time (only to get stuck in jams). One comes back at 9 pm (on average), barely has energy to shower and force down a few morsels of food before fainting on the bed.
And this continues... It feels like one almost doesnt have a life.

Yes, I know I'm in full on complain mode.
The nice things about being a working adult in KL?
Well, when I answer where do I work and what do I work as, the spark of recognition and respect that can be seen on the other person's face feels like I've taken the first step for my career in the right direction.
And at times, when I finish a task assigned before the deadline and with my usual perfection, the sense of satisfaction is quite enough to bring a tired smile.

However, at the end of the month when I check my bank balance, it does feel like I should be seeing a heftier figure instead!

Trip to india.

2008-06-10T18:33:00.002+08:00

Discovery of the week: Breathless by Shankar Mahadevan.

The feeling of meeting close relatives after a long time is one mixture of wonder, happiness and deja vu. My very short trip of 10 days has definitely left me very much breathless and tired.
I have no idea where did the idea of not liking India came in my mind from. There are no doubts left in my mind that its not only a food and shopping heaven (one can find ANYTHING there!) but also a beautiful country which is quite advanced.
Needless to say, I loved it there!

Sorry to say critics, I have yet to see the care and hospitality of such sincerity that I witnessed and experienced this time around. Old childhood friends (Rachana, ruchita from my numerous trips previously) to new friends (old acquiantainces like Jalpa, Rikita) to uncles, aunts, grandparents, granduncles,and great-grandmothers it was one rollercoaster of a trip!
At times it felt like the emotional moments in Bollywood are happening in real life to me.
Of course, getting a carte blanche from mom for the shopping was the cherry on the cake! I practically shopped for my aanu already if not for the fact that I'm still single.
But of course, that was the "Most Asked Question" of the year since every single relative is planning on coming to Malaysia for my wedding. Surprisingly, most proclaimed me "still young" for marriage.
The meet with my great grandmother, Rambha maa, is always highly emotional and this time was no exception. But instead of the strict "commands" I used to face, this time it was time for tears, hugs and smiles.
It opened my eyes that where some matriarchs of the are born malicious, others like her become portraits of wisdom and strength that I would be more than honoured to emulate.
All in all, the richness of culture and values that I felt there made me wish to have a chance to revel in it.
Yes, and of course the guys there are freaking gorgeous! Duh! :)

Mars,Venus & the next solar system.

2008-05-04T23:20:00.003+08:00

A little talk with a newfound friend inspired a few questions in my head today.
The biggest question being,

What makes two people who are in love with each other (and lets assume this is the lifelong, never let go, forever kind of love) not get along because of the littlest misunderstanding over a very insignificant issue and end up separated/divorced/broken up, each reminiscing on the magnificent past & the might-have-beens of the future?

I forgot to mention its also the longest question playing in my head. (a change isnt it, from the usual latest song addiction).

I agree that no one can forget their first love.
And many attempt really stupid stunts in order to forget the debacle (yes, thats what I call it, sue me!) or get it back (because apparently they cant live without someone, and if they cant be with that someone, why live at all hey?).
I totally support such morons in their quest to exit this world and move on to the next one.
The world would be a better place without such people who wear their hearts on their sleeves and somehow manage to forget that there exist other people in their pathetic little lives that actually do love them
(im talking about thou parents,family,friends & pets!).

An uncharacteristically short talk with a close friend gave me the answer to the above question.
Before talking about this issue in regard to relationships, I think its very important to look at it from the friendship angle.

People fight all the time. Heck, I argue with everyone most of the time. Maybe for me, its just the way I interact with those who are close to me.

But sometimes, in the midst of trying to convince the other person, we tend to trip up and say things that become very hard to take back. And that, ends up hurting people's feelings badly, misunderstadings ensue, and that which was nothing to start with, blows out of porpotion.

Among friends & family (basically those that have known you for a long, long time), I believe that no gap is impossible to mend.

True, apologies need to be made and difficult explanations become very hard to justify. At the end of the day, if nothing else, the fact that you cannot divorce your family becomes the reason to let the issue slide and try to be civil to each other.
Gradually, out of habit one does tend to forgive & forget things.
(Really, how long exactly can one hold a grudge?- I'm talking about nice, normal people here not malicious ones that love to torture others by letting them feel guilty for the rest of their lives!)

The same goes for friends. There cannot be one friendship out there that hasnt weathered the storm of a fight. It happens to everyone and friendships only become stronger after each fight (some would know what I'm talking 'bout here).

Unfortunately, the same principles and rules somehow DO NOT apply when it comes to relationships. Why eh?
Because in a relationship,
one can divorce, separate, leave
one knows that one has the power to hurt
one suddenly decides that one does not "deserve" to be treated in that way
every apology, every explanation has to be the ultimate creation
every little mistake is not little anymore
everything can be taken wrongly

and

at the end of the day, we are no longer arguing about what we were arguing about originally (that little insignificant issue remember?!) but about every other thing that we're dissatisfied about each other.

Ultimately, that one little stupid issue becomes the reason for a huge heartbreak.
When I think about it, I defies logic that men and women are from Mars & Venus alone. There is high possibility a few of us (at least!) landed from the neighbouring solar system even!

Nothing but the truth.

2008-03-29T00:17:00.002+08:00

The ANGER characteristics of a Scorpio.

Of course you don’t lose your cool.
But your very demeanour (manner) projects haughtiness (arrogance, pride), pride and grand disdain(disregard) for lesser mortals(human). Others are often found saying
that anger sits on your nose and you are raring to give your piece mind to the first person that try to be funny with you. You are selective in the choice of your friends, and have a low tolerance for the superfluous (extra) types.
Your tongue-lashing (attack) is generally in a soft hissing tone for when you scream, your voice tends to get shrill and loud and you do hate drawing attention to yourself! When upset, you are angrier with yourself for having shown weakness, for the last thing that Scorpio wants to show is being out of control.

I read horoscopes for fun. Though at times, horoscopes really surprise me by coming up with something like this, which I have to admit, is so very TRUE!

Most have said, it isnt easy to look at oneself when shown a mirror. Especially when all you can see are your flaws and faults.
The question I'd like to ask is,
would it be so wrong to be someone who accepts her faults & flaws but still goes on living the way she wants to live?
Like saying- hey, I know I'm not right and I accept it. Maybe I just like being that way, ever thought about it like that?

Yes, I'm crapping. Just posted this because the horoscope was amusingly true.

The Grad nite 2008!

2008-02-27T12:09:00.008+08:00

I am extremely lazy to upload the grad nite pics on frendster & facebook separately. So, all are published here (the scandalous & non-scandalous ones!).
Aaaand anyway, at least here, I can have the freedom of commenting whatever I want. :)

ps: i know i look breathtaking. Some people are just born that way ;)

The reason I smile EVERY morning now! Love the flowers!

The super gorgeous Dot & me!- Friends forever.. :)

With my very,very pretty housie, Lee Zan.

Sweeeet shot! With my bf Vikram. ;)

*bf= bestfriend (for those of you who still thoughts narrower than a ray of photon)

Glam future grads- Suchi,Dot, Geet, Me & Lyn.

Classmates since 2003- Nia & me.

MEMORABLE!- with the devil-in-disguise.. Sara & me

The grad nite- Part II

2008-02-26T17:36:00.019+08:00

Part II of the photo session @ the grad nite.. Here comes more scandalous!

Gave soooo many others A REASON FOR ENVY: my sweetest bestie & me.

The coolest couple, the best among friends- Dot & Jeevz

All pretty girls at one table.. Ying ying, Su Yee, Sara, Lee Zan, Me

With Azlan Rozaini & Is- Posing time!

rockin' the grad nite with the darling gurl, Lyn.

with Navin, Murain & Vishnu- dashing, eligible bachelors of the night

From IJ to Uniten.. now graduating!- Lee Siang & me

Err.. wait setting up the shot of the century..lol

Finally! Uniten's MOST wanted Gujjus!!
(Most wanted pic laaa...hehe)
Jigz & me.

For I shall no longer be a capulet.

2008-01-05T22:51:00.000+08:00

Quoting Shakespeare-
"Oh romeo, romeo. Where for art thou romeo?
Deny thy father, & refuse thy name,
or if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love
and I'll no longer be a Capulet".

I have always been one person who reads literature as a hobby. Romeo & Juliet was probably one of the first literature classics I read, thanks to my curiosity of the way the language is portrayed.

The quote above is spoken by Juliet during the balcony scene. Its refreshingly amazing how idealistically romantic and mature she sounds at the same time.
How true that the perfection that is Romeo will not go away should he no longer be a Montague.
How many of us manage to look beyond a title, a name, a stature in society or a financial status? Heck, how many of us have the guts to look beyond these things and get out of the glass walls of "ignorance" that surround us?

Sometimes I know I probe into matters that some would prefer not to confront or even think about. It would not even occur to most, those who are too immersed in their own little worlds to think out of the box.

Surprised? I may be a lot of things, but superficiality has never been a trait of mine. No doubt there must have been one time in life when everyone went through their "i shall no longer be a capulet" moment.
I think I'm going through mine quite literally right now.

blue ruin.

2007-12-29T17:18:00.000+08:00

Thats gin.
Why is it called that, I dont know.

A lot of decisions have been plaguing me lately. The worst of all is what I want to do after I finish studying in April.
EVERYONE suddenly has opinions and ideas to contribute to this. I thank all these people for caring enough about me to worry about my future.
What I dont thank them for is trying to change my mind about the decisions and conclusions that I have arrived to.

Some think that I'm too much of a radical for daring to live my dream. My thoughts are too wild. I am too reckless in carving a path for my own future. They are all so scared of and for me. They think I am a fool for risking it.

I realize that I might be making a mistake. I know that there is a possibility of what I decide will be wrong.
I am only human after all. But if there is one thing that I've resolved, it is this-
I'm going to follow my dream and I am going to give it my best shot. I deserve that chance.

Call me reckless, but I have never been one person who can live with regrets. I know I dont want to look back someday and curse myself for not doing what I really wanted to. I know a lot of people who regret a lot of decisions in their life every single day. And they think that it is too late to amend the situation.
For me, I decided that its not too late.
For me, I decided that I'm going to take the risk.
For me, even if I dont make it, I will be able to say that AT LEAST i tried.

Unlike all those cowards out there who dare to dream but dont have enough backbone to pursue it. Who learn to live with what they get and dont reach out to the best of what they can and deserve. I cannot change the minds of those who have compromised with themselves and live quite happily with 2nd best. The world is your oyster ONLY IF you choose to make it.

Whether anyone else agrees or not, I know I deserve the best there is for myself.
What is the definition of "the best", thats for every individual to make for themselves.

I have quoted this before and I quote it again, lets hope it brings an infusion of energy, lots of confidence, determination and success in the new year!

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.

-Invictus, William Ernest Henley-

Rising sun story.

2007-12-24T18:57:00.000+08:00

"Vision without action is a daydream. Action without vision is a nightmare"- Japanese proverb.

The japs had something right for sure. The proverb above gave me the sense of deja vu of being back in my first year. Back then, I had this idea that I'll score high enough to get a dean's list. I did not make it to DL that semester.
Why?
Because I was distracted. To dream is too easy. But to achieve it requires a hard jolt of reality check.

People these days take every situation either too lightly or too seriously. The grey area between the two has almost ceased to exist. A conversation with a friend had me remembering how we both misunderstood and misjudged each other on our very first encounter.
Apparently I was arrogant and he was insensetive.
Shows to how important second chances are in life. And how much one quick judgement made from one first impression can probably lose a person a valueable friendship.
Again, the japs had it right.
It takes more than one meet to know someone. Human beings just love passing judgement and labelling others (some which they dont even know!).
These hypocrites fail to look in the mirror and realize that they're probably being judged by others as well.
How much would it take to just look past a first impression and give a stranger a second chance?
Hey, you never know who you meet or how important that person may have become.
Possiblities are always endless.

the higher road.

2007-11-18T22:03:00.000+08:00

THE QUESTIONS:
- Ever taken the higher road no matter how much you were tempted to give a below the belt jab?
- Felt like you've always kept a higher standard than whoever it was abusing the life out of you??
- Ever wondered WHY (in the name of living hell) do you end up taking the higher road??

If the answer to even one question above has been a resounding YES, read on. If not, read on anyway, you need to know what happens to those who are too nice to whack back.
My introduction to "the higher road" was done my none other that my mom.
Something like- "..apde jaatu kari devu.." which translated from gujrati means "..we should let the issue go".
Of course it sprang in my mind, why should I be the one to let the issue slide when I'm clearly the right one. Its not fair, a very childish part of me argued.
Then again, when my brain cells reached a temperature equilibrium, it became clearer what she meant.
I thought- What the heck la.. not that I'm going to gain anything by hitting back.

Someone once said that it takes 100 years to built, and one minute to destroy (or something like that) and in anger most of dont know how much we hurt people. And say things which we cannot take back no matter how much we wish to.
It would be better to walk away, forget & forgive rather than saying things we dont mean to deliberately cut someone and then feel guilty for succumbing to temptation for that 2 seconds. Thats the higher road.

Sure, it gives this sense of satisfaction that you did something good. But ever thought, maybe that person really deserved the setdown from you or that the person was literally begging for some sharp words?
Quoting rahul- "we live once, we die once, we get one life....". So why waste the opportunities to give people a piece of mind?
After all, no one gets angry without a reason. No reason why the cause of it shouldnt receive the brunt of it right?

Total food for thought. Or maybe just mindless ramblings of an overstressed project student. You never know.

Indulging extremes

2007-11-03T00:25:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, some incidents in life are so unexpected that we dont realize we've been ready for something like that to happen for a long time already.
Thats an extreme. Unexpecting the expected.

Its a like a person being either so totally innocent that lying is of a foreign nature or being such a consummate liar that convincing others that lying is a foreign nature is like child's play.
Extremes again.

I've come across quite a few extremes so far. The extremes which lead people off the edge, the extremes that give the courage to fly, the extremes that permanently severe relationships, the extremes that wound unhealable scars.

My question has always been, WHAT DRIVES A PERSON TO THESE EXTREMES?

There could be a number of reasons but I feel the force behind them all are powerful negative emotions.
Negative emotions like anger, malice, jealousy and revenge breed cold, calculating ideas that lead to extremes which ultimately cause irrepairable damage.

Being a very private person at times, the amount of bloodbath these extremes cause put only one thought in my mind. When even normal everyday people can be so vindictive with the others that they are close to, what hope there is for the nations of the world ultimately?

I've never been one to preach religion, but I'd end this entry with a teaching of Jainism-
"Live & let live!"

Stone cold.

2007-10-23T22:11:00.000+08:00

Its never a good thing to be emotional. Ones that do know me well enough have said it many times over.
The problem is, there arent that many people who do know me well enough. Right now, at this moment I count only one.

A person can have many people close to himself. And yet not be close to any of them.
I'm one of those people. A lot of people may be close to me, I'm not close to any of them.
why?

Because what Peyton Sawyer said is very true- "People always leave".

I've faced the fact that no one is ever permanent in our lives. Not even our family and friends. Especially not our friends.
I dont mean to insult friendship. It is a beautiful relationship.

But I'd caution people from putting in too much into friends. Those who are the closest to you, can hurt you the most.
Ever heard this one- "Your best friend can be your worst enemy"?

Friends always leave. There are too many reasons why. The only permanent fact is, it does hurt like hell when they are no longer in your life. Or when you already know that they are no longer going to be around after some time.

Call it childish, but having learnt to live alone and depend only on myself, I've formed a defense mechanism. It isnt a nice one. I no longer allow people to leave me. I leave them first.
Callous, cruel and probably evil. Then again, why should I be kind to someone who isnt planning to returning that kindness.

Why do I have to choose to be the victim every single time? Ok, so that was quite poetic. My apologies people, for sounding almost human.

Top-level bottom rungs.

2007-10-22T17:57:00.000+08:00

Sometimes certain situations literally fill my eyes with mirth. But to laugh at it will not only be scornful, it may also portray malice is its purest form. No really.

Manusia are so full of hypocritism these days. They purposely say one thing, then purposely do the exact contradiction. Is that a latest trend?
Whats with people going suicidal on others just for the fun of it?
You're all sugar, spice & everything sweet one minute but the second you see someone better than you, you start badmouthing that person. Grow up lah, macha.

The creme de la creme? People who feel all guilty for the crimes they DID NOT commit but were accused for nonetheless. Who in the world knows you better than yourself?? You know, and your conscience knows what are your sins and what are your blessings. When your conscience is clear, why let others pass their judgement onto your actions and even punish you for the deeds you did in THEIR overactive imaginations??
Pure hypocritism isnt it?

I say this-
- Others DO NOT reserve the right to judge you. No matter what.
- Others may think they know you. Only you know who you really are.
- Others can only tell you what makes them happy. It may not be your definition of happiness.
- Others have no right force their mistakes on you. You're human too, make your own mistakes.
- Others can only go as far to show the road they travelled and want you to travel.
To go on that path and how to travel it, is your CHOICE and your choice ALONE.
- You never owe anyone ANY answers. Answer to yourself, to your god, to your parents. Those who deserve any answers will get them. Those who dont, never did.

Homosapiens are a pathetically funny lot. There is so much humour in their actions, thoughts, speech and yet they still go searching for laughter groups.
Is that what everyone originally wanted from their lives?
To become this empty shell of limbs that only exists to run in the rat race hypocritism?
Its no longer about how better one can get. Its now about how I can screw up someone else to bring that person down to my level. Oh yea, thats definitely a human trait.

I'm in a sinking ship, I don't see any reason for you not to join me.
Go get some cheese brother, coz that kind belongs in the sewers.

Approval

2007-09-17T18:31:00.000+08:00

Humans constantly crave for approval. Regardless of how high the level of confidence, there will always be someone that can make you feel that you've failed to meet the requirements and that you're below average.
You would know that you are not.
The person degrading you will know that you are not.

Yet, the message of disapproval will be swiftly convened resulting in one starting to doubt oneself and start taking action to gain the approval.
This constantly happens between parents and children. A child looks up to his parents and they are (to a certain extent) the child's role models. Everything that the child does, the child hopes to gain approval for it. In hopes that with the approval, the praises will come too.

This soon gives way to other role models that a person subconciously decides upon as he grows up. It may be a teacher, a friend, a classmate, a partner or even a stranger. One slowly starts emulating the role model and does everything the way the role model would approve. In hopes, that by impressing the role model, one can become like the role model.

The question is, what happens when a person one keeps going to for approval is not as perfect as one thought?
The situation is, you've been hoping to get an approval from someone and then you know that that someone is no longer as perfect as he seemed. A person you looked up to suddenly drops way lower in your esteem.

Two things happen.
One, anger emerges. At the error in judgement on your part and the hypocriticm on that person's part.
Two, disappointment kicks in. Because you were trying to gain the approval of someone who is not even fit to gain your approval.

Oh, and if you're stupid enough you'd go searching for the next person to emulate and impress rather than realising that the only approval you need is your own. If you are comfortable and happy with what you've achieved, no one holds the right to judge you or your performance. In simple words, its nobody's business but your own so if you're comfortable in your own skin, don't let anyone else tell you what you'd look better wearing.

Disappointment.

2007-08-18T00:46:00.000+08:00

"There can be no question of being disappointed, IF one does not expect anything in the first place".
That was not quoted, but occured to me more than a few times this semester. Expectation and disappointment go hand in hand. The more we expect something to happen, the higher the chances are of being disappointed should it not happen. That is logic.
Following logic, the conclusion would be to not expect anything from anyone at any point of time.
But, humans err.. and we can't stop ourselves on harbouring that little ray of hope that what we expect will happen. We keep expecting, presenting ourselves to be slaughtered at the altar of disappointment.
Question is, why do we do this?
Most would answer, because they cant help but to expect certain things or people to fulfill the expectations.
My say is this- most people expect certain things to happen because they are led into believing that it will. It is human nature to try our hardest to reach for an achievement. When one achieves repeatedly, the person is expected to achieve the next time and do it better. Thats where expectations are born.
It is also human nature for us to reassure each other of situation in life. We rely on the promises/words of others that everything will be the way they said it would be. Do we know if what they say will be true?
Heck, do they even know what they said will be true?
No, there is no full guarantee of it and therefore, it is another platform on which humans blindly believe the reassurances thrown at them, setting themselves up for a brutal disappoinment when the reassurances fail. One definitely cannot go back and blame others for their failed expectations. Everyone would love to point others to take the blame for their disappointment. At the end of the day, the disappoinment remains only their own.
How one recovers from one disappoinment, fails to learn from it and keeps expectations is one phenomena I see everyday.

I've been asked, why am I such a planner for everything and why do I analyze every situation I am in. Maybe this would be an appropriate channel to answer that question. Its because I've felt bitter disappointment and I have come to the realization that at the end of the day, one only has but oneself to rely on.
At least, when you expect something out of yourself, you try your best to achieve it, should you fail and disappoint yourself, the blow isnt as hard as knowing someone else disappointed you and there wasnt anything you could have done about it.

Not Perfect

2007-07-31T19:39:00.000+08:00

What if,
What you want is within grasp,
Yet,
The nearer you get, the further it goes.
What if,
You reach for the stars, clasp
Then,
Watch as you leave them low.

What if,
All it would take is just one thing,
And,
Your choices are everything but;
What if,
You could stil choose another path,
Only by losing,
Everthing. Got the guts?

Sometimes,
You can't have everything,
Regret, even if you do,
When, all paths seem similar,
And options become too few.

It isn't a choice of diamonds and platinum,
Or,
Of a versace and armani,
Its a choice of a perfection you need, want
and
that a perfection that you already see.

One can't travel two roads,
Yet, it isn't impossible to do,
No apologies, to want the best of all worlds,
I'm not sorry, I'm not perfect too.

~3.00 pm, 31st July~

Defense, is no offense.

2007-07-02T09:40:00.000+08:00

A friend once taught me a very valueable lesson. He told me keep two very powerful words in my mind each time I found myself at the mercy of the hypocrites around me.
Those words were- "Who cares?"

Unfortunately, as easy as it was to agree with him and just stop being bothered with what others said, thought or even gossiped about me, I could not actually do it. No, a part of me cared too much of the opinions others held about me.
Even at those times when I knew I was way better than what they perceived. Even when I knew that I had nothing at all that I needed to prove to them and I did not owe anyone any explanations for my actions.

Thats when I started bending over backwards trying to please everyone. If one person said that something was not right about the way I dressed, I took that comment to heart. If another said that my I had an attitude problem, I thought up of ways to actually change myself so that the person would stop saying things like that. The most famous of all, the fact that I'm arrogant. Having been told all my life that I probably have the fastest chat up record in the world, it took me some time to actually believe it when I was told that I'm arrogant.
When more than one person said it, I deduced that one person can be wrong, but how can a bunch of people come to the same conclusion? Therefore, what they said must be true. Which is absolutely nonsensical.

I wouldn't want to delve into specifics but I now have a reply to that. To you my lovable critics (sounds like an oscar speech!) here goes nothing-
First off, the majority opinion isnt always the right one. But because everyone wants to belong, they end up becoming lalang.
Yea, I'm loud and I'm myself among those who know me well. And I'm not the same way with the rest of the world, the reason is simple, you don't know me. You do not know me well enough to know my moods, my ups and downs and therefore, THAT gives you no right to criticize me. I can be quiet at times. Ever crossed your prejudiced mind that it may be because I have something on my mind and not because I dont want to talk to you? Or possibly even because I do not know how to approach you?
Why is it that I'm expected to approach people and not the other way around? Why is it so difficult for humans to understand that I'm human too and I would not bite your head off should you come over and say hi.
But because of your cowardice, you brand me arrogant. I may not even know you exist (for pete's sake, I cannot be expected to know each and every person in every place!) but that does not mean I may not want to know you.

Sure, I'm proud of my achievements, and thats because I've worked really hard to get where I am. If you cannot take it, well thats honestly not my problem is it? So why take out your frustrations on me by saying I'm too arrogant?
Its not like I've ever backed down from lending a hand to another whenever anyone needs it, should it be academically or otherwise. All you need to do is ask. Again, I cannot be expected to know your problems IF you dont come forward with them. But no, it is easier to critisize and say that I'm too arrogant, too high on my horse to notice you little people, isnt it?

Belittling me makes you little people. Yes, I admit I'm proud of my achievements, who isnt? I admit I do not talk to mere strangers out of the blue, BUT who does?! You find me popular, with the right crowd, always surrounded by friends, but you do not know my moments of loneliness. You do not know that I can be alone too.
Heck, I am alone and after all this while of struggle put your narrow mind to rest, I've started revelling in my solitude. I have my goals in life and I have my path mapped out in front of me. I'm approaching it with a single minded determination and if somewhere along the way I failed to notice your measly existence, I honestly cannot be bothered. Yes, at this juncture, I give you full leave to think whatever you like about me.
If what I call self-confidence is arrogance in your eyes, thats only your imagination at work.
When did a star lose its sparkle just because an idiot couldn't see its worth, eh?

I rest my case.

Implying they are stupid? or me?

2007-06-22T12:54:00.000+08:00

System users are a sorry lot. They maybe at the top of the decision-making hierarchy but they still need user manuals to use a system that they request for.
The given is that to be able to even use a system, one has to be at least computer literate and that itself suggests some kind of intelligence.
Pardon me when I say that people who request and use computer systems are turning into literal gluttons. Yes, they want everything to be done by the system.

First, it was telling the computer everything, from the input to the instructions on what to do with the input, to exactly what format the output is going to be in.

Then, it came to letting the computer do more work. As in, we key in the input and the computer processes the input and gives us an output. Still tolerable.

Users these days want automaton! Yes, it has come to giving the system just one input, expecting it to find the rest of the corresponding and correct info on its own, then processsing all the info and displaying an output.

Next, they'd probably want the computer to read their minds!

Computerized systems are meant to help people work more effectively and efficiently and automaton makes this an even faster process.
But when it comes to developing systems that literally spoon-feed the users, it can get quite irritating for a programmer.
Especially when the user demands a notification to be displayed after EACH and EVERY action performed by the system. This is not only redundant but also makes the process a more slower one, considering the fact that the system is going to be used very frequently.

This only brings me to one question when users insist on illogical requirements like that.

Are they trying to imply that they are stupid enough not to know when a function is complete

OR

are they trying to imply that I'm stupid enough to actually believe that?

Emerging 'isms' of the new economy

2007-06-15T11:38:00.000+08:00

INFOSYSism
You have a 1000 poor cows. You put them on a nice campus, & send them
one at a time to the US for milking.

WIPROism
GE has a cow. You take 49% of the milk.

DELLism
Intel has a Goat. Samsung has a Camel. Buy milk from both & sell it as
Cow's milk.

IBMism
You have old stubborn cows. You sell them as pet dogs to innocent small
businessmen.

MICROSOFTism
You have a cow . Force the world to buy milk from you. Spend a million
dollars to feed poorer cows.

INTELism
Microsoft makes horse shoes. You nail them to your cows & wonder why
they don't run fast.

SUNism
You have a bull. It doesn't give milk. You hate Microsoft.

ORACLEism
You have a cow. You don't know which side to milk, so you sell tools to
help milk cows.

SAPism
You don't have a cow . You sell milking solutions for cows implemented
by milking consultants.

APPLEism
You have a cow. You sell iMilk.

SONYism
You have a cow. You spend $50 mn to develop the world's thinnest milk.

CITIBANKism
Welcome to Citibank. If you have a cow , press 1. If you have a bull,
press 2...stay on line if you'd like our customer care to milk it for
you.

HPism
You don't know if what you have is a cow . You sell complete milking
solutions through authorised resellers only.

GEism
You have a donkey. People think you have a 100-year old cow. If someone
finds out, that's his imagination at work.

RELIANCEism
You don't yet have a cow. You sell empty cans to people for Rs. 501,
because Dhirubhai wanted everyone to have milk.

TATAism
You have a very old cow. You re-brand it as TATA Indicow.

No offence intended, but I found the "SONY"ism particularly hilarious. Shows the lengths of "innovation" in the name of improving technology. ;)

Absolutamente loco

2007-06-13T15:55:00.000+08:00

I'm listening to: Flying without wings- Westlife

Knowing my uncanny ability to jinx good things, I shall refrain from saying that its a good day today.

But , IT IS a good day SO FAR (considering all the recent fiascos).
Its a good day for bringing me an approved leave application result for the 18th.
And, because the very much dreaded "email function" for my system has been finally MASTERED.

Right now (very briefly), I'm all smiles.
Because, now that the email function is up and running, it has got nowhere to run to.
WHICH means, more forms to be created, more info to be extracted, more database tables to be enacted and more permissions to be granted.
More ASP coding to be written.That too.

The brief spark of happiness has just died a very premature death. No post-mortem is going ot be held. Dont bother attending the funeral.

I have just lost it.

Some memories..

2007-06-07T10:21:00.000+08:00

Quoting-

"tu hi deewangi,
tu hi awaargi,
rabba mere,
tu hi meri zindagi..
tauba tauba, ishq mein kariya.."

some songs truly bring back a wealth of memories. some memories that probably live forever.
the above lyrics are taken from a song from the movie kaal. the movie was average, but this song rocked when the music album was released.

in the past few years, songs have always associated my thoughts with people. this song is of that brings back lots of smiles because associated with it is probably my strongest crush ever.
after 3 years, and it still has the power to refresh exactly the emotions i used to experience whenever i heard this song then.
Like those tunes of KKHH, this is definitely on my evergreen list.

never thought i could actually be in a good mood at work, then again some situations need getting used to. provided the fact that now i'm allowed the luxury of my favourite rocking tracks, bearing the torture for the next four weeks is probably not going to be that tough.

*smiles*

Bienvenido a mi blog

2007-06-04T14:30:00.000+08:00

Haha.. thats welcome to my blog.. except I dont know the spanish word for blog.

I've ranted and raved quite a lot about how much my job scope does not suit me and how much I'm suffering more than eight hours for five days a week. Now would be a good time for me to stop the royal whining. After all, I was the one who was desperately hoping & praying for an internship placement during the final few weeks of last semester.

I've accepted it quite some time back that it was bloody well fated for me to land where I did, and am being pushed to do what I'm doing.
One thing for sure, working life IS not easy. But whoever was it that promised it would be? It isnt necessary that we get everything we want in life right.
One can try beating fate, and probably succeed repeatedly doing it. But, without that one time where fate beats you, one would probably lose the interest and drive to keep doing his best.

I've learnt a few things since I started working.
One of them being the fact that it is very, very easy to give up. Just throw up the hands and declare surrender. Its very easy to complain about why everything is wrong and going absolutely against you.
But it isnt easy to face yourself when you know you could have done something and didnt just because you didnt believe that you could get through it.
Its tough to fight and to pick yourself up and move through another day knowing exactly what awaits. Its hell to repeatedly convince yourself that each day gone is a victory, albeit a tiny one.

I didnt expect anything more than a practical, hands on education to happen during my internship but it so seems that I'm coming face to face with a lot of my weaknesses and strengths. Both of which I wasnt aware I possessed.
Its quite amazing to me that the path is only getting smoother the further I go. That and it doesnt hurt to know that its already week 8. 24 more days and its over.
Who knows, I might even miss getting up at ungodly hours and ruining my eyesight when I get back to uni. Then again, who the hell am I trying to kid?

Naivete overdrive

2007-05-19T19:01:00.000+08:00

Nope, I'm not listening to anything.. How can I? My supply of latest songs is arriving later considering the fact that I hardly go online from home these days and am not allowed to do ANYTHING personal at the pc at work.. BUT we shall NOT dwell on that horrible little hell or the beautiful tortures it dishes out weekly.

I guess its been more than a few days again since I last updated my blog. Not that the readers actually bother to leave a comment on the tagboard (Deepz & twinnie, that wasnt for you) but anyway..

I was on the receiving end of a very heartfelt lecture yesterday. The reason was because I came back home from a meet with friends and ended up bursting into tears the minute I saw my mom. It was either the exhaustion, the frustration (both attributed to the horrible little hell a.k.a. my internship) or it was the fact that my supposed close friend yelled at me and then refused to talk to me all the while I was there for the meet. All because I went back home early.

The fact that I actually went for the meet being absolutely exhausted, not having enough sleep and more than enough tension, was totally overlooked. The fact that I tried numerous times to open a conversation with her was also overlooked. The fact that I wasn't even to be blamed for anything was also overlooked. The fact that she did not even want to know how my life was going on was also overlooked. No, I'm not dressing it up. She was either on a really bad case of PMS or took me absolutely for granted.
Like, heck.. where the hell is little sneha going to go.. scream at her, vent out frustrations, ignore or totally insult her in front of other people and she will always forgive and be there.
Makes one cringe to even read that, let alone actually to be treated like that by someone one considers to be a bestfriend who has known you for ages.

Quoting- "Some people really do change"

I'll be the first to admit that I have an explosive temper. Then again, I remember very few times in my life that object of my anger has not been the intended object. Lately, even lesser because I have come to the realization that whatever we may say in anger, whether intended or unintended, can hurt the person who has it coming to them. Really hurt the person.
I experienced it first hand yesterday.

Coming back to my mom's lecture, she called me a hopeless naivete. Again, she told me that I will NEVER learn not to be too nice to people. Although, that "people" happen to be who I consider my closest & most best of friends.

Weird, how it keeps happening to me. When I was a child, a so-called bestfriend used to copy my homework all the time. And I when I wanted help from her, it never used to get it. My mom recalled how I used to be reduced to tears then.

Weird, how I used to want a sister so badly when I was young. Used to believe that family members, albeit extended are still family. And, how much it would have hurt to be excluded by those family members from outings just because I'd be an extra kid to take care of when I went along to play with cousins.

Weird, as a teenager, how much I used to trust a friend so much that he knew every little detail of my life. How much I depended on him for companionship, sharing with him so many lively moments, helping him whenever he needed me. And how sweet had the betrayal been when I finally found out all the lies he had spread about me. How difficult to accept being a fool.

Weid, how people that I considered friends, whom I gave solace to at their worst moments, whom I provided the courage to carry on where they faltered in university life, ended up making me the butt of a joke. How for just a few moments of fun they managed to bet on my reactions without the least considerations of my feelings.

Weirdest of all, why after all of that I dont find myself holding a grudge against any of them. I'm still willing to accept them as a part of my life.

Does the fact that I forgive & forget so fast give people the license to make an idiot out of me repeatedly? What is it that gives them the right to just treat me like a bloody kleenex?

And the million dollar question, do I actually bring this upon myself deliberately?
I'd honestly like an answer to that.

A person once told me, I'd go very far in life. But the further I go, I'll find myself with fewer of these creatures called friends.
How true. How very true.

oh no, not for me!

2007-04-27T23:01:00.000+08:00

I've probably ended up owing too many people the promise to blog about my internship.

The basics-

Location- Melaka

BUT

a freaking 35 minutes drive from my house, which means waking up early, grouchy and sour-faced.

Job scope- Programming, system development using ASP, Javascript, VBscript, Mysql & HTML

WHICH

isnt really that much when you think about it, EXCEPT the only thing I know about ASP is that it stands for Active

Server Pages.

Duration- freaking 8.30 in the morning to 6 pm! One hour lunch break, thats about it.

Allowance- 300 bucks.. which is probably not enough to cover even my petrol costs for travelling everyday, but whos

counting, really?

Other benefits- Medical. which means I cant even do a sickie because only MC's from panel clinics are accepted.

Beautiful huh..?

To sum it all up- I'm in love with my internship. So much so, that I'm keeping a mini-calendar where I cross out

each day that is over. 6 July cannot come fast enough.

I've been warned NOT to use internet access for personal reasons if I dont want it to get cut, handphones, mp3 players, cd's and thumbdrives are banned and most of the time one actually gets the feeling of being trapped in a silent mousoleum, the work environment is THAT peacefully quiet.
One wouldnt realize if someone died at the next table.

People, always go for the job that you know you will look forward to the next morning.
Else if
{
var x
x = "life is a living hell"
document.write("&x")
}

unadorned beautiful.

2007-03-26T20:27:00.000+08:00

to you- and you know who you are.

Was it the moment we met,
or was it that unfated date,
the time that u-turn taken,
and i failed to realize a mistake.

the sarcasm, insults, comments unlimited,
and we came this far, maybe its just fated,
no doubt it will be a very peaceful day indeed,
the day that you will sorely be missed.

pretty, never it was with you,
injustice that is, credit was never given due,
mutual interest, that care & debates,
conversation, horoscopes, the likes & hates.

oh, the story goes on, fear not
for curses and blessings we've thrown too much,
promises made, broken & kept a lot,
laughed, cried, sickened & grown as much.

yea, sure.. I'll catch you someday,
the tale does not end here,
just know this, my last say,
it will never be the same without you, you hear?!

right.. I know its touching enough and all.. dont cry too much k. ;)

in the battle of wills

2007-03-25T18:58:00.000+08:00

Its amusing to think that mere days ago I discussed sexual harassment with a
friend,
and yesterday I actually performed it in class for our Ethics role-play
presentation, when today I came across it again in the paper.
A topic that sparked my interest, and one which I'd love to debate on.
But first,

What exactly does sexual harassment constitute?

According to the Protection of Human Right Act, 1993, human rights means the rights relating to life, liberty, equality and dignity of the individual guaranteed by the constitution or embodied in the International Covenant and enforceable by courts in the country.

Ok, so that is from a very legal perspective and one which might that one to read at least 3 times before grasping the meaning.

I was more curious on what kind of actions mean sexual harassment.

The United States of America's Equal Employment Opprtunity Commission (EEOC),says that sexual harassment is defined as "unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors, and other verbal or physical conduct of a sexual nature when this conduct explicitly or implicitly affects an individual's employment, unreasonably interferes with an individual's work performance or creates an intimidating, hostile or offensive work environment.

ok, thats legal crap again- but in a nutshell this is what it means:
One can file charges against a person who one thinks is sexually harassing him or her (though only like a sad cased 15% of males file charges for sexual harassment each year) if one knows that one is being "misused", having to endure crude, sexual jokes that make one very uncomfortable til one cannot work in peace, and even when one realizes that her colleagues or boss is has wrong intentions on her judging by the looks, gazes or even gropes that one gets.

Yea, sure. It maybe something that most women are warned about and still endure for the sake of keeping their jobs and career, but even those who are aware that it is wrong in the eyes of law do not know where to go for justice.
I'm not trying to be some sort of gung-ho person that preaches to every female to complaint against every guy that checks her out and neither do I say that at times, it can be an honest mistake on the guy's part. MAYBE he did not intend to look or touch or say.

But, its always better to know whats right from wrong, and if wronged, how to right it. Also, it never hurts for a person with crime on his mind, to know the penalties if he did it.
How a person acts is always based on how he feels or thinks. And how he thinks, is motivated by the knowledge that he possesses.

True whoever was it that said- Knowledge is power.

On that note, people go study for your finals! Its already like staring us in our weary faces!

Letz rock!

The not so funny joke.

2007-03-21T18:51:00.000+08:00

I'm looking for:

- This song: The sound of silence (i got no idea who sang it and in which year it was released. But I have heard it once before, and now I want it)

- This book: Prozac Nation (I forgot who wrote it and I know I scorned it once before, but now I want it)

I realize I'm rambling here after a long time. There really isnt much to tell except that I've been exceptionally busy. Events that have occured recently-

= parents are back from india with mom buying practically my entire aanu back.
= the first thing mom announced to me was about my cousin sister, Jeenu, who has already had four offers for arranged marriage (err.. right.sure)
= I attended the gujju games carnival in singapore and honestly, I would have regretted not going. It was EXACTLY the respite I needed. With an additional suprise bonus. :)
= I've finally managed to complete all my project 1 chapters. Yay!
= Believe or not, (and i know you wont) I'm a way calmer person now than I ever was.
= I've yet to find an internship placement. Life rocks, rah rah.

There was just something that I wanted to say badly. The words choked in my throat. Because at times one should keep peace even when the turbulence outweighs in importance.

Did that make sense?

When fate beat me...

2007-03-05T16:56:00.000+08:00

Written during one of the lows this semester. During one of the times the taste of failure became distinct. At the beginning to the road downhill. Yet I regard this one of my better ideas. It points me in the direction of my mistakes and why I should never travel that road again.

Loneliness that once symbolized
The void that embodied me
Solitary, I walk tall, alone, again
Again, because fate beat me.

I wasn't that brave, courage
None of it strengthened me,
Yet, as I offered myself to a heartless slaughter,
Even there, fate beat me

Catalyst, none I needed, not
When elation couldn't reach me
Then, without warning I fell fast,
Couldn't fly, because fate just beat me.

Sizzling, once when I'd tempted temptation,
And challenges went defeated from me,
Crushed with such finesse, never, I won't
Again, ever let fate beat me.

1st Feb 2007
3 a.m.

Silence

2007-02-18T17:24:00.000+08:00

I'm listening to: Tu hi meri shab hai remix- Gangster

Keeping quiet can be interpreted in so many different ways. For some, keeping quiet means lack of opinion, where for others keeping quiet means holding his/her peace.

But keeping quiet at most times, can create problems rather than solving them. Its interesting how most of us like to talk, to be at the center of attention (at least i do!) rather than listening to someone speak. But, why is it when speech is needed at the most crucial moments that most of us balk and are rendered speechless?

Why do we suddenly find ourselves keeping quiet against our better judgements? For me, its almost comical seeing how life suddenly got complicated just because I stubbornly held on to my silence. Yes, keeping quiet cost me quite a lot.

First, it almost cost me the friendship of a friend I hold very dear. I had no idea that me keeping everything shut inside would in the end make us drift apart. I congratulated myself on several brilliantly executed moves when I was thoroughly chastened by this friend for keeping it all to myself.
I learnt recently, to my valueable experience, that sharing everything at times, isnt caring. But, not sharing somethings with people who deserve explanations is definitely very wrong. Things were sorted but at the price of it never being the same between us again, which is a loss that hit me hard. Real hard.

Second, keeping quiet cost me a defeat to fate. I admit, my friends were right all along.I should have said something. I should have let it out. Keeping quiet didnt get me anywhere except to a place where I can only count my lost dreams and hopes. A place where I can only realise how broken I am and how much I let go in my silent arrogance. Fate beat me, for once and me being me, I dont like the face of the defeat. I've actually seen the face that happily danced away with my dream. Ahhh... even resentment avoids me at this point, I have ended up that low in my own esteem.

There were some junctures in life that I have wished the ability to shut my mouth and let things be. And at every such occasion, I've failed miserably. Now that I have succeeded in keeping quiet at the situations that I thought were best kept in the dark, I only stop to find myself alone at the end of a dark road.

Terror.Spook.Horror.

2007-02-13T15:51:00.000+08:00

I'm listening to: Sara jahan kahe ishq hai jhoota (the world says that love is fake!) :)

An issue that I truly just confronted: Abortion

To be able to speak about abortion is considered smart. To debate about abortion is brings out smiles, its such a overly debated topic. But to hear about it in stark reality shakes the foundations of any girls' soul.
Over lunch the much discussed topic was V Day (with it being like tomorrow, what else does one expect to talk about, el nino?!). Somehow, the discussion of V day went to talking about making out and then the ignorance of girls towards topics such as this where guys are very much educated about it from a young age.
My friend blamed it on his peers, saying that he learnt most of it from the experiences of his friends then. And the next thing we know, he was describing the process of abortion done on one of his friends' ex-girlfriend.
She had been 3 months into the pregnancy without realizing and when they finally realized, naturally the couple freaked. They were both in their teens.

Idiots. Both of them. THIS is why sex education is so needed in our country. To let underage couples know the horrors that their uncontrolled actions lead to.

Anyway, the only solution at that point was abortion. Although anaesthesized, the girl actually had to witness the doctor sucking the foetus out. I honesty do not want to imagine being in that situation. Aside the fact that she lost so much blood that she couldnt stand straight, she also had to go through such an emotional trauma at such a young age. And for what?

Hearing about it made me shudder. It made bile rise in my throat. It gave me a severe distaste for a few minutes. It showed me horror in a new face.

Someone once said, ignorance is bliss.
But is ignoring all the teachings and advise of parents to stay away from situations that can land one in serious trouble (and not to mention lifelong painful memories), truly bliss?

Is ignoring everything consenquence of your actions and blindly taking risks just for a few minutes of pleasure then reaping the fruits of your "efforts", truly bliss?

Bloody hell, its not. Totally not.

So unintended.

2007-02-12T19:56:00.000+08:00

Whats playing through my mind: Tu hi meri shab hai- gangster (damn the song!)

Unintentionally this happens to me every year. When its "that" time of the year. That dreaded mid-february holiday that distrupts all peace of my soul, leaving my thoughts scattered, my emotions in smithereens and me feeling that leftover bitter taste on my tongue.
I've had enough of whining, depression,hope-murdering and unlimited stanzas of LAME poems over the years for this one stupid, stupid day.

Why stupid?

Because I just found out today. It seems that V Day is actually a license for couples to make out on the basis of one saint's death. Great. Someone died on this day, so lets celebrate by wasting money on meaningless gifts and help Hallmark climb the shares ladder. Have a heart. Stay at home and do something productive (not reproductive!). Use that cash to help out flood victims. Go get yourself a new iPod. or something. Go adopt a pet.
I know I sound bitter. What the heck, its about time anyway.
Ever heard the phrase- 'once bitten, twice shy'?
I've been bitten every year. I aint about to let myself get bitten again.

Missing.

2007-02-05T19:35:00.000+08:00

It feels like I'm back in the past sitting in KMC lab. Those days when life was complicated, but not as much. Those days when I could happily banish issues from my mind. Those days when I used to wonder where did my innocence go, when it was right there with me. Ahh.. those first days of being in Uniten. Freshie days. All this thanks to the fact that the internet in my apartment has been cut off yet again.

Quoting: "Because I don't think my soulmate has to be the one I love"

One quote that has managed to bring the smiles on my lips. One quote that makes sense. One quote that is so, so damn true. One quote so taken from Meghna's blog. :)

I did not want to admit to this, at least not so openly, but the fact remains that I miss my parents & bro. Sure, I have and can manage to live with them only a phone call away but at times it just hits me that dad is not around to lecture me about how to take care of the car and mom is not around to irritate me about my new hairstyle. Ok, being so emo definitely does not suit me. I'll cut the crap here.

Somewhere along the way, I had so much to write. Yet now, I think its not exactly wise to blog about everything. I get too many questions that give birth to a lot of misunderstanding. And lets face it, its reaaaaally not like I don't have enough to think about with my 2 midterms, job interviews, and the citrawarna.

Till the next people.

Not in the mood to forgive.

2007-01-27T13:27:00.000+08:00

Whats eating me up inside: The fact that one seriously spastic, opportunistic girl is ruining my life, bit by bit. Of course, she does not by any intent or purposes intend to do it, but it just suits her character to do so. Crap.

The issue that once again I'm doomed to confront is misunderstanding. I've been grossly misunderstood in my actions, words and probably even thoughts. Its sad that I'm not even given one chance to redeem myself. And its even more sad that I dont have the guts to explain the situation to certain people and justify everything. Just because one bleeding retard got there first and twisted the entire tale to suit her purposes.

I've always been one to preach about being true when you get into a relationship. It somewhat breaks me when I see certain relationships hitting rock bottom just because people start taking each other for granted. How is it right to keep hurting your beloved's feelings on every small matter?
How is it justified that once this was the perfect match and yet it crumbles now?
Why has it become so unapproachable at this stage?
It fails to make sense to me, why is it that once when one was willing to try anything just to be with a person, now cannot be bothered enough to make it work?

The final question from me would be, is it time I gave up or is this one battle lost to win the war?

Exactly TWO flying damns.

2007-01-26T02:33:00.000+08:00

I'm tense because: Fatigue, lack of sleep & anxiety of lost handphone!

Cause of smiles: A rockin' CITRAWARNA Murni banner!

I think this week is dedicated to those who have become what I've started calling- "the messengers of bad mood".
Why?
It would so seem that exactly at the moment when I'm at my most unassuming and quite contented in SnehaLand, one of those messengers would happily come along and spout something that is negative/bad/stupid or just plainly a rumour they heard/overheard about me which isnt the nicest. Has it suddenly become a criminal offense for me to be seen smiling or what?

And the next thing?

I'd be caught in the paranoia of why such comments were being said about me. And what did I do to deserve such a comment. And why did this person actually have such a bad impression of me? I mean, what did I do to offend this person?
If and when I find the answers to the ques above, mostly by assumption, I end up twisting myself to impossible angles just to make sure that I dont repeat the "mistakes" I made before.
I end up torturing myself just to please some idiots who have shallow opinions of others and probably not enough sense in their immature minds.
Everyone does this at one point of life. Most do it everyday of their lives.

But I'm going to be stopping right here. No more pleasing people who talk crap just because they dont have anything better to talk about or cant handle the fact that they are mere wannabes.

From now on, I'm going to stop giving two flying damns about WHATEVER anyone says about me. Sure, god gave us the tongue to talk. But then again, he also gave us the brain so that we can think before we talk. Most dont make use of the brains and end up talking crap about others.

I'm going to be using my sense and am going to be putting an E.N.D. to the effect gossip has on me. I cannot be bothered enough to give two flying damns. Exactly two flying damns.

LTC

2007-01-24T16:40:00.000+08:00

LTC stands for Line Tak Clear. I honestly did not know that.

Generally, IF i'm not very much mistaken, its used when one wants to say something very, very confidential but there are spies of the enemy lurking around with ears wide open.
Or maybe just parents & nosy siblings.

Its been ages since I last blogged. What the heck, not much has been going on that is worth mentioning except possibly a certain "temple" function after going to the gurdwara with the Uniten Punjabiz last wednesday.
I did have some strong opinions that very night on the "chivalrious" conduct of guys and the limits of sinking self-destruction of girls. Somehow, I've vented it all out on Builder & Jigz so I'm left without much firepower to blast any issue right now.

Fact remains, I dont even know why did I log into my blogger account right now. No seriously.

Last weekend was shopping weekend with Deepz. Need I say anything in the direction of the crazy things we end up doing when we get together?
It was like 5 hours of continous hunting for footwear (for me), skirts & jeans (for her), cardigan (for me) added in with the redeeming of free perfume samples and generally talking non-stop catching up on the last 3 weeks.

It was tiring. I was ready to drop at the end of the day. But I came back with a gorgeous, gorgeous outfit (branded!) which totally priced under 70 bucks! Hows that for smart shopping?!
Of course, I had to go and spend another 29.90 on a pair of sandals which I saw later and which completed my new outfit exceptionally.

All in all, I realized I'm not much of a serial shopper. But when I do go out shopping, I prefer hunting for the right design, right colour, right size and right price before I buy it. Gujju much?

Dont steal golf balls...

2007-01-09T15:16:00.000+08:00

Need I give anyone EXTRA reasons not to "collect" golf balls? :)

-taken from jep's blog-

New Year with a bang!

2007-01-03T20:17:00.000+08:00

I'm SUPPOSED to be listening to: some sad-cased jiwang collection I have.

I'm listening to: Touch me- Dhoom 2 (repeatedly thanks to requests from builder)

HAPPY NEW YEAR, people.

New Year's eve was an absolutely rockin' affair. For the first time I was actually enjoying myself and I was with family members. Jonker Street thronged with people and party popper's were popping everywhere. It was colourful. It was very cheerful. It was definitely happening.

New Year day was spent not doing much except watching Vivah and reading Mahabharat (english version).

For me, 2006 ended with lots of wisdom and 2007 started with lots of conflicting emotions. Conflicting here referring to the fact that I finally fell in love. With life itself. And got heartbroken yet again.
Then again, true to my new year resolution... this year I am not allowing frowns to reside on my face, no matter what.
I end this one with-

Walk on I shall, I dare the roads to get dangerous,
Falter I may, may not however turn my back.

Life IS gorgeous!!!

2006-12-26T03:32:00.000+08:00

I'm listening to: Salaam-E-Ishq title song (its my biggest obssession to date.I've been listening to it ALL DAY LONG)

Its- 3.33 AM, 26th December 2006

Christmas is officially over for this year. Keeping to my unique brand name, I opted to stay in Uniten for the weekend instead of running off to Melaka at the first glimpse of a long weekend. And hell, am I glad I stayed or what. I had a fantastic weekend. More than fantastic.

Warning: I might sound a little sleep drunk. IT IS almost 4 AM for christ sake!

I've been playing a lot of pool (its currently my FAVOURITE game, thx Dev). I've gone jogging, I've finished watching all the latest episodes of One Tree Hill,
I've daydreamed a lot, lot, lot,
I've never laughed as much in the entire year,
I've finally joined the Hritik fan's list (the guys is a freaking hottie in Dhoom 2!)

AND

I've not had a happier Xmas in all of my 21 years.

I thank you for being who you are- Dev, Vim, Rish, Fesh ;), Builder & the rest.
Oh yea, lets NOT forget "Prinz Psycho Jigz" shall we?

The last days of 2006 are upon us, I'm sure everyone has their resolutions list ready. One resolution that I am setting for myself is ot always remember these 3 words-

"LIFE IS GORGEOUS"... and maybe so am I (I did say I might sound a li'l sleep drunk... what the hell right?)

You were right. Its stuck.

2006-12-22T22:21:00.000+08:00

I'm listening to: A puro dolor- Son by four

To an air learner: You were so right. It will keep playing in my head. You were right, I cant get it out of my mind. Its so stuck. You were right, I'm about to go crazy. You are right. Its getting worse.

Lyrics dedicated to one who doesnt know it & all those who know who this dedication is meant for.

"Just hold my hand,
till the journey is goes on,
there can always be something to say,
till the words still exist,
remain in front of my eyes,
till nightfall begins...

What should I name it,
what to call it?
The seasons of the heart,
Its like the sunsets have caught fire,
Somehow, it felt like the familiar sense of an unknown...

Hey you, keep a little away from me,
Let me regain lost composure,
Let me control my heartbeats,
For, we would not want to precede our time...

There is something in me, in you.. in both
Dont you even think so?
Should something happen,
what are your assurances?
Just check for a second,
is your heart still at the same place that it once was..."

World of nice people.

2006-12-20T16:29:00.000+08:00

I'm trying to download: Chuk de patte Sweety Mix- Khosla ka ghosla.
(I heard the damn song ONCE and I'm in love with it, sad caso me.)

This is a revelation to me. I like this feeling. Where once I used to wish everyone was nice in the world. That there were no corrupted people, no manipulators, no liars, no hypocrites.... all this was of course in my ideas of ideal.. in my extreme naivete.

Then like it happens to most, I was rudely jolted out of the sweet reverie of mine. The harsh reality penetrating the innocence and breaking all my fantasies. Telling me the world indeed, is a very evil place filled with people who are just so selfish that they can go to any lengths to achieve their means.

Yesterday, I had a long chat with one person. If you read this, you know who you are. I have to admit, I'd never really thought that people like you existed anymore. Its nice to know you're around and that I can kid around, spill my problems or generally just discuss anything you.

This person, I find, is very mature, very understanding and one of the very few people who is on the same wavelength with me. The best part?
This person happens to be one of the few people who like to do something about a situation and not sit back and watch the chaos reign. This person actually cares. Cares enough to think about my problems and even suggest ideas that are so different, they only existed in my mind before this. Very unconventional, very different, very fun and very much on a different plane.
Definitely not a person anyone would expect to be friends with, definitely a person cool enough to try unconventionality over moping.

One week ago, it wasnt the same. One week ago I was out of the game. Now, I see a ray of hope. Or if not, I at least see a place where I can still smile after tears. Thats good enough for me. Really.

i'll live.

2006-12-15T14:12:00.000+08:00

I'm on the verge of extending a semester. Which would mean that I'd finish in april 2008 rather than in october 2007. Its not supposed to be a big deal, yet I feel I'm about to commit a crime.
Just for reasoning purposes, here goes-

Pros.
1. I get to raise my CGPA (though its NOT the main issue)
2. More time for project polishing & completion.
3. I can relax and dont have to rush around like an eveready rabbit.
4. I get to be in Uni a bit more longer (I'm not really sure this is a pro)

Cons.
1. Extending means accomodations,petrol,food which means cash.
2. I can find a job faster (though WHY would I want to do that is beyond me)
3. No more Uniten (which is some ways IS good thing)
4. Possible Europe tour cancellation
5. I cant get on with my other plans

Cons seem to be more though the Pros weigh more. I'm stuck.
If the project dilemma wasnt enough, this definitely marks the beginning of a new sem.
Like every other sem, I've breathed, I've coped, I've survived & I've lived through it.

I guess I'll live through this too.

That senior!

2006-12-14T15:48:00.000+08:00

I've listened to: Khushi se khudh khushi kar le (Commit suicide happily)- Bhagam bhag

Days are literally bhagam bhag for me the past two weeks. From leaving my car here in uniten last week tuesday, to packing, shopping and finally leaving my parents & bro at KLIA last friday morning to totally changing my look on the same day and finally to attending my cousin's reception dinner at MITC on sunday night. Thats the summary of last week.

I arrived back in uniten on Monday morning, managed to clean my room and shift everything from my car to my room in the space of 2 hours and happily spent the rest of the day lepaking in KLCC with Rish, Vim & Fish where the better part of the time there was spent getting very emo with the emoz of Baabul. I now am of the opinion that I should have gone for Dhoom 2 instead. Oh well...

Classes have fully commenced starting tuesday and naturally with 20 credit hours heavily sitting on my collarbone, I've been getting to know my lecturers. Needless to say, my new look definitely does end up drawing the attention of a lot my peers and some even dont recognize me (which definitely sucks). But on a sweeter note, many have nice comment on my new look.
Quoting:

Linda: You look more feminine.

Builder: More elegant look.

Sylvia: Makes your face sweeter.

Deepz: I love your haircut!

Kev: WOW!

Malan: WHAT DID YOU DO TO YOUR HAIR?!

Fish: No comment

Aidil: You look better than you did.The hair suits you.

Alas, alas... the person I'd hope to impress is a lost cause. Oh well... I dont digest regrets well, so I shall leave sleeping dogs lie.

Aside that, the project 1 issue is getting to me. Albeit slowly, its eating me up. I hope I get the title I want. Believe me, I have this feeling that the semester is going to rock... and hell why not, someone is a senior now.

*smiles, smiles*

Quote of the week:
Sexy name, Sneha...You have the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen!
- IT Comm lecturer.

Naturally, no bets on which my fav class this sem is going to be.

Nah, I just can be bothered.

2006-12-01T21:04:00.000+08:00

Attended a pre-wedding function of family-related relatives a few minutes ago. Aside from absolutely destroying my good mood, giving me more reasons to hate gujjus and increasing my self-doubt tenfold, it didnt effect me in any other way.

I know I'm being an absolute pessimist here. I just cannot seem to help feeling all boxed in and suffocated as functions like these. I hang out with my mom and exchange totally meaningless pleasantries with others. Something I feel like screaming out- "what the hell are we all royally wasting our time for?!"
Why in the name of angels did I go for all this self-mental torture?
Because I melted. Melted to my mom's pleading. Something about "they" wont feel nice if I didnt attend even one of the functions.
Oh, gimme a break. I doubt they even noticed me there let alone pine had my absence been so damn obvious. They have better things to do with their lives. So do I.
And my version of "better things" does not include wasting my time attending functions which bore the hell out of me just to "please" some people who couldnt be bothered if I there or not.
Rest assured, I've definitely had enough. At least, I had the good sense enough to leave the place early.
Or this blog might have ended up being more brutal than it is. Sorry, I just can be bothered to be nice anymore. Not anymore.

Reflection

2006-11-27T23:50:00.000+08:00

I'm listening to: Come on come on- Baabul

I'm mastering: Housework; especially the delicate art of perfecting a round rotli (Chapati)

Its the 2nd last week of my holiday. There are a lot of things that I've been reflecting the past 2 weeks although I promised myself that I wont.
First off, "Someday" comes to mind. Yep, its my latest story and interestingly enough, its coming off quite nicely. I'm getting interested to read it and wondering what will the next thing be myself. Its been long since I had that feeling of silent excitement. Heck, its been long since I've seen a sparkle in my eyes. Maybe, just maybe "Someday" is not the ONLY cause for that sparkle.
But,
I know I'm missing out on something. Something that will add that added zest to the story like a a squeeze of lime juice would do to a vegetable dish.
I have the feeling of a sweet anticipation. Like something is going to happen.
I just dont know what is that something.

My stories have always been a part of me. And I've always been a part of my story. Yet, I'm at this pause stage in the story where only the word "trouble" can give it the kickstart it needs.
The only problem is, I dont think I know how to create trouble anymore when once it actually used to be my middle name.

For a second, that made me sad. Then again, maybe not.

Disrespect to hatred.

2006-11-15T18:34:00.000+08:00

I've heard somewhere that the opposite of love is not hate but indifference. This is because even when you hate someone, you are still bothered enough with that person to actually allow an emotion to dwell on that person. Especially an emotion as strong as hatred. But when you inch towards indifference, you couldnt care less if that person literally lived or died in front of you. It wouldnt matter anymore because you dont have anything left for that person, no love, no respect and not even hatred.

My mom has always taught me one thing. To always handle things with a cool head, knowing my fiery temperament. She always told me never to lose my temper, and even when I should lose my temper, never to drop to my opponents levels. In some ways, this allowed me to keep my dignity and avoid learning dirty tricks that involve malice just to best someone. That was never me, wasnt taught to me and now shall never be a part of me.

Then again, I always associated temper with a scenario of calmness after the shouting matches that rock the foundations of my home. Where everyone somehow tries to forget the insults thrown, the raised voices and the disrespect shown. Where everyone somehow tries to justify why the other person said or did certain things. Sad, I am mistaken. Much mistaken in my childish and wishful thoughts. Anger only gives way to the first seeds of hatred to be sown on the fertile grounds of misunderstandings and unforgiveness. When people fail to forgive & forget arguments, it keeps going around in their heads, ultimately branding the other person absolutely unreasonable and the little window of reasoning slams shut. Thats where hatred takes root, slowly poisoning the mind until there is no more doubt left of how much the "hated" person is intolerable.

How do I know this emotion a bit too well? I dont want to admit it but then here's my confession. I hate someone. One person who used to command respect from me at one point of time and then promptly lost it, one person who I used to treat with friendliness and the courtesy which later just dwindled down to bare acknowledgement, one person i know i somewhat used to care about and now can barely stand the sight of. I dont like feeling it and yet I cant help it. It isnt easy being a nice person all the time and it isnt easy forgiving someone repeatedly.

I'm only human, not a saint. No saint.

Change.

2006-11-15T18:26:00.000+08:00

I'm listening to: Beautiful Disaster- Kelly Clarkson

Yes. Its officially the latest addition to my songs addiction list.

I'm torn between "Behind these hazel eyes" by Kelly Clarkson and "My happy ending" by Avril Lavigne. Cant decide which heartbroken song gives me more drive to break someone's face.
Possibly, KC rocks the song better than Avril though I gotta say the lyrics of both songs somewhat
gives me the energy to do something really violent. Provides this weird energy that I might not expect of
my small frame. Amazing how much a song can effect the mental state.
That and the fact that its definitely not easy to get up once one has fallen. You take the risk and jump off in hopes to fly,
if you fly, there isnt possibly a greater happiness. But should you fall, it aint easy getting up, picking the pieces and moving on.
Scars do take some time to heal. Yikes, too emo.

Its one week into my 5 weeks long holidays and no matter how much I schooled myself before I came back
that I would not under any circumstances contemplate any heavy issue, I have not been able to stop myself from comparing the changes that I've gone through in the past one year. One the whole, the entire year has been somewhat banal.
Yes, of course I've had some ups and downs but nothing monumental enough like the years of the past.
Even then, the changes I realize in myself are monumental. My entire way of thinking has gone change,
the way I act, the way I make my decisions, the way I've learnt to mask a lot of my emotions under other emotions, the way I've learnt to keep secrets, the way I've learnt pretense and mostly the way I've learnt the value of truth, trust and promises.
Maybe I could say that I've come down to earth. I no longer see myself as one of the stars out of reach of others. I might have been conceited, arrogant and full of schemes once. Probably at that time, I might have also been afraid to admit to weaknesses, expecting the best of myself and from the people around me. It did take me some time and quite a few shocks to know that I'm only human and so are the people around me. Oh, and humans are the ones that make mistakes.
Once, I know I saw myself as someone full of strength, confidence and energy to accomplish anything. I didnt want to be one of those damsels in distress. This year, I've learnt to rely on others and that even if the fail to provide the support I need, to forgive them for it.

I somewhat came to the conclusion that life is very much like the soaps that we watch. In fact, at times life is way more complicated than the problems the characters in the soaps go through. The only differences are that, at least we know that at the end of the series, it will be a happy ending for some. Life isnt like that. You dont get that kind of guarantee from life. It has its happy endings and new beginnings every day.
And of course, when one might have been the lead character of the soap of life in one story, in another, one may only be a sidekick.

THREE down

2006-11-01T19:13:00.000+08:00

I'm listening to: Dhoom - Tata Young (*after a long time!)

I just started my final exams 2 days ago, and today, I'm already done with 3 papers. Namely, Human Cmputer Interaction, Management Information Systems & Software Project Management, when some of my friends actually just started with their first papers today or some have yet to even start their final exams.

I'm confused on which I should be more amazed at-
the fact that I will be finishing my exams when some are just starting OR
the fact that I just spent 2 days in literal hell of sleep-deprivation, hypertension, irregular meal times, fatigue and a lot of memorization. Handling 3 papers back-2-back IS no easy feat.
Its absolute craziness the way anyone would expect to be prepared for the next paper the next morning after finishing a toughie just the eve before. Whatever happened to cooling the brain down and taking a chill before continuing the preps for exams?

I just lost all the extra weight I'd gained in the past few weeks, I look like I've not slept in a year, I've joined the "racoon" club and the joints I wasnt aware I owned are aching to the max.

At this point, naturally even thinking of thinking about holidays, the days of waking up at 9+, lepaking with tea till 11+, just chilling, watching innumerable movies, sleeping, whacking fantastic food, catching up on series, books and sleeping is like hoping beyond hope of the chimera that is not true. I shall NOT tempt myself.

Pre-finals preparations.

2006-10-29T20:54:00.000+08:00

To prep myself for the upcoming finals exams starting tomorrow at the auspicious time of 9 am at the authentically freezing venue of the library, I'm doing the following. All those who are extremely bored with their books, notes, highlighters and calculators are strongly advised to read the following and then go back to your studies and dont waste your time. Thank you.

1. Watched the entire 2nd disc of Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge (beautiful movie!)
2. Chatted on msn & ym for 3 hours straight, on the pretext of online group discussion, of course!
3. Downloaded 8 new songs.
4. Downloaded 3 new series episodes.
5. Downloaded 1 movie.
6. Washed face 4 times.
7. Talked to housemates (while taking a break) for 2 hours.
8. Blogged nonsense.

Yes, I might be losing it. Or maybe this time one couldnt pay me to care about my exams anymore.

Someday.NOT.

2006-10-26T21:52:00.000+08:00

As I was re-reading through Aidil's outpour of thoughts in his friendster blog titled- "Life Is Like A Rotten Cesspool", a few contradictory thoughts came to me.
He had 3 realities which he wasnt happy with. With the first two, I'm in total agreement. But with the third, I think now I have a problem.
His 3rd reality was- (*quote*)

"This proves further that the world is turning upside down. People used to go for looks and good of personality but ruefully today, the ball has landed on the other side of the road. People no longer feed on looks and good character but totally the opposite. No matter how hideous you look is, even as bad that could make a billygoat puke and how corrupted you are even the powers-that-be can't even stop you, the greater the chance of you being hooked up by the sweetest angelic touch of beauty. That's just the way it is no matter which angle you look at it, the road remains the same. The chances are always there but considerably small.

At times I find it very kooky looking at the trend as it is now. Such decent and fine looking girls blindly accept those who choose their way of life through drugs, sex and clubs and remain at the bottom of our society known as scraps as their beau. How can one get so furiously infatuated by scraps who choose their way of life through demeanors and deceit? And this scraps, I consider them as lucky bastards, rejoice when an angel falls for them heedlessly, oblivious to the future that lies ahead."

My arguement is this. Would any girl, especially a said angelic looking one, want a creep for a boyfriend? One that has practically every bad habit in the universe? I dont think so. Well, at least, not every girl. Lets face facts here. Girls, for some reason, tend to like the more "dangerous" guys.

WHY??

Simple. Because danger means excitement. But that does not mean that we hook up with every leather-donning, foul mouthed, hell gambling, two-timing jerk who might also be a go-to-the-devil mat rempit with zero sense and no brains. Every girl, at the end of the day, just wants someone that can take care of her, someone that can be there, a solid person whom she can rely on and share her problems with. Someone who makes her smile, sends her problems away and is there for her.
IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?
I dont think so. But, do these angels find such paragons of hardly any requirements anywhere? No they dont. Why dont they? Because, these guys are going after another species of girls altogether. As it is human nature, when you dont get ferrero rocher, you take the kitkat and smile. And then people wonder how could you do such a thing. Here's your answer.
In the end, it all comes to a full circle. Not many people out there get who they want. Its been repeatedly said, and its true. To love someone is an achievement. But to have someone you love, love you back is perfection. Sadly, life isnt perfect, just as it isnt fair.

Jhatka.

2006-10-21T17:46:00.000+08:00

First of all, wishing all those who read my blog a very Happy Diwali & Selamat Hari Raya.

I'm happy today. I think I'm happy every Diwali. Reason to that are my bestfriends & my friends here in Melaka. Every year, we dont fail tradition & go diwali visiting together. We catch up on each others lives, bang each other a lot, advise on the latest problems, share latest gossips and laugh till our cheekbones hurt. This year tradition did not disappoint me. I had a great time. You guys if you're reading this, I love you people, you guys rock! :D :D

Of course, Diwali also means getting like a million sms greetings. Thanks to my malfunctioning Samsung darling, I had to call every person who wished me to wish them back.
And thats where the jhatka comes in. I called up one of those people, and guess what, our friend doesnt want to answer the call. And then, I get the sms asking if I called. Not knowing who this person was, I called back.
Imagine my shock, when our friend uses this "I'm-so-offended" tone and refuses to tell me who HE is. After he hurriedly hangs up, I start wondering who is this person (thanks to my neverending curiosity!).
I know I've hurt a lot of people over the years. But who is this one person that I've not managed to bridge the friendship back with? I'm not such a monster to have left it like that. I know I'm not. I even sms-ed this person apologizing for whatever it is that I had done to offend him. Getting no reply, I forwarded his number to Tia. Erick, called him and the mystery is solved. Mr. Chess-club-president, I'll see you after these holidays. :P

That was one eye-opener for me. I know I'm loud. But I never realized that its bordering on rude. I know I'm straightforward, but I never knew it was bordering on offensive. I know I'm sarcastic, I dont always realize if its too sharp.

Diwali resolution: Be nicer, politer, softer & diplomatic.

Twenty one?

2006-10-17T18:29:00.000+08:00

I'm listening to: An inner voice (conscience?) prattling non-stop about growing up.

Its one of my bestfriend's birthday today. Nisha, an enemy in form 1 (actually til form 3), an acquaintaince in form 2, a rival in form 4/5, and a bestfriend since then whos born like just one sad-cased week ahead of me. I've always some sort got irritated with the fact that I'm the youngest among my group of bestfriends. That my birthday came only a week after hers.

Today, I dont want this week to move forward. Dont get me wrong here. I am looking forward to see the morning of 24th October 2006. But I dont want to be 21 on that day. The past 20 years of my life have been full of memories, incidents, education, coincidences, surprises, smiles and tears. And yes, a whole lot of temper tantrums and rebelliousness too. But its all a part of me. Suddenly, knowing that I'm turning 21 feels like I'm going to be moving to another planet where I wouldnt know anything at all and have to start over again.

I remember the day I turned 13. I remember thinking about going on to being a teenager. And that I wont be a kid anymore. I remember thinking how far the numbers 21 were. I was scared then, because I didnt know how to be a teenager. I didnt know what were the requirements to be a teenager. I just didnt want to be a teenager then, I wanted to remain a kid.
I'm going through the exact same thing today. Though now I do know how to be an adult and why I should be one, I'm not too keen on taking on the worries just yet. Maybe in some aspects I'm already an adult, then again, I still wanna keep some of my childishness back.

I guess, 21 means a lot of things to me. It means freedom that comes with a lot of responsibility. It means trust and confidence that comes with the challenge to never let anyone down. It means challenges that I must excel at. It somehow also means not being able to be that person I miss being anymore.
Ooookay, too much emo is bad for health. So, I'll end this one with a list of my fondest 21 memories (unranked of course!)

1. Talking in heavy rain in a playground with twinnie- late 2001, Melaka.

2. Singing imbecilic songs while decorating the classroom, with may yen- 2000, IJC.

3. My first look at princessa- 2006, Melaka.

4. Celebrating my 16th birthday in 4 different parties around the globe- 2001, world.

5. The 2 nights of new experiences, clubbing with Deepz, Kev- 2004, Melaka.

6. Merdeka Kolam at Mahkota Parade- 2003, MP Melaka.

7. Production of The Orion with 4 Sc 2- 2001, IJC.

8. Playing pop-pop during Mr. Rengga's class- 2002, BM tuition MGS.

9. Hari Wesak marching on Melaka streets barefooted with IJ Band- 2002, Melaka.

10. Chilling out at Gula Melaka with the form 6 gang after ICS meetings- 2003, MHS.

11. Travelling on my own to Penang for Gujju Games Carnival- 2005, Penang.

12. My first week in Uniten, feeling lost, meeting new frenz- 2003, Uniten.

13. Getting the news of deans list during Diwali outing- 2005, Masjid Tanah.

14. Fainting in Jain Camp with Hardik, Viral and the rest- 2001, Chiplun, India.

15. Losing the 3rd round to lousy debators at UPM Open Debate Competition- 2004, UPM

16. Studying physics all night and singing hindi songs with sukhy, gurin- 2004, COE

17. Eating ice kacang & roaming the town on Veena's 12th bday- 1998, Melaka.

18. Lepaking at the lake & having a singing party with Ganesh,Sukhy- 2004, Uniten.

19. Having all night talks about nothing with Rish/Builder/Yal/Gurin- 04/05/06,Murni.

20. All night sleepovers with twinnie, vic & my bros- 2000/01, Melaka.

21. Hari Ko-Ku with may yen, nisha, tia, hwey chian, desiree etc- 1999, IJC.

Return of the kampung girl.

2006-10-15T19:18:00.000+08:00

Its not the case of split personality. It is the same person. But yet, the changes are very noticeable in practically every aspect.

Picture this-

"Yea?!"
She answers her handphone after 5 rings because she was busy tapping away on the computer doing multiple things at once. A few of them being- chatting with 4 people, finishing a report for one project, downloading 5 songs from 2 websites and of course, reading and replying her emails at the same time.
"Hey, can you settle the feasibility document?"
"err.. ok. When do you want it?" are her next words to the caller.
"Today if possible. Just email it to me la"
"What? Ok, ok. Consider it done. Sure."

She confirms that she will get the document done as she thinks up a solution to a live-or-die situation for one of her friends online.
"Ok, great. Today meeting at 6, level 2 coit. You ok with that?"
"Hey, sorry I can’t. Got club meeting at 6. I catch you tomorrow can? Around 2? I got class at 4 la."
"Ok, can. Same place. Thanks. Bye"

Of course, that's when she remembers she has 3 presentations, meetings for 6 projects, club meetings, a lot of documents and reports to hand in, lecturers to meet, assignments to see to, quizzes to score, one badminton appointment and birthday parties to attend. In 4 short days. Oh, and not including classes, labs, tutorials, late night hangouts and innumerable episodes of "One Tree Hill".

This girl, can be found in jeans, teez, skirts, heels, earrings and looking good most of the time (-ahem-). She cooks herself, thinks for herself, and lives quite independently.

Oh, and she never has the time to study. She never has time, period.

Now, picture this-

Hi. Sorry for the late reply. I left my hp in my room laa.. " This is the beginning of most sms-es to people from her.

She's dressed most of the time in shorts and the oldest teez you can find. Or in old Punjabi suits. Her hair is permanently oily and in braids. She never has any make up on her face and she has permanently forgotten where her earrings are. Or if she owns any. She doesn't go out, and if she does, she doesn't give a damn who sees her like that.

She can be found reading a book, holed up in her room or helping out at dad’s shop or maybe even in the kitchen, irritating her mom. Definitely not cooking. Occasionally, one does see her online, but that's strictly for checking emails from overseas relatives.

She lepak's with her notes, highlighters, pens, paperclips, choccies and books whenever she's not sleeping. She is studying.

Both of the above, is me. In the first scenario, that's me 24/5 in Uniten. The second is me 24/2 in Melaka. I noticed the tremendous change that comes over me whenever I’m back in Melaka. Its like living in two different worlds, being two different people. Both lives are the same and yet so different. Because both are so unconnected. Maybe because both will always remain unconnected.

In uniten, Im the busy city girl. The student who has to hand in perfect assignments, the project manager that most lecturers love to see knocking at their office doors, the very loud friend/acquaintaince at cafes and in classes and of course, the permanently addicted to “One Tree Hill” housemate who turns her room into a mini-sharara every night. I'm either busy chasing time or making sure time chases me. In any event, I always don't have the time but I make time for anything essentially important, like miss calling my bestfriends or pigging out on chocolate cookies. I'm always multitasking. I'm always busy. And as always, I love it.

In melaka, it's the opposite. I wake up late. I don’t have to make breakfast. I watch a lot of tv. I drive around, finishing errands at leisure time. I don't have worry about lunch/dinner/supper/teatime because food is always available. I help out at my dad's shop whenever I’m needed. I meet up with friends, go shopping or have really, really long phone conversations. I catch up on books, sleep and movies. Basically, I just chill. Oh, and I study. Whatever that I couldn't catch up with during my classes (when I'm usually usurped in discussing other important project deadlines) I get done when I'm in Melaka. I never multitask, I'm never too busy. I'm always relaxed, I’m always more cheerful, I'm always more at peace. And as always, I love it.

Maybe, this is the kind of balance needed in life. One cant live without the chaos, yet one cant live with them. All the same, one also cant live with too much peace, it gets boring and there are times when one wishes for some peaceful time. Mine is exactly that. Most of the time anyway.

Bored.Lazy.Me.

2006-10-09T21:38:00.000+08:00

I'm listening to: some song at a ear-splitting volume & no, its not jiwang.

THIS.This is the reason I like to keep my life as busy as possible. I love being active, running around, having no time, and catching deadlines. I love that. For the record, I know how tired that makes me (ok, it also makes me cranky, SOMETIMES!) but who really cares? At least, I wont be stuck in this weird space of time where I literally dont have anything to do. And whatever I have to do, I'm reluctant as hell to do.

I dont wanna cook. I admit it, I'm lazy to cook today. Yea, and its also very nice to be home where mom cooks & I never have to worry about it. Maybe I'm missing home, not having gone back last weekend.

Talking about last weekend, I had a fantastic saturday with the girls- Linda, Builder, Sillu & Chechi. Ok, so it did not really start off on the right foot, what with subjects registration giving EVERYONE a frustrated morning thanks to the super-SLOW server.
But, we went to KL Sentral later and thats where the fun started. We went around looking for punjabi suits, kurta & excessories of every type, colour and size. And of course, good looking paki workers who kept flirting outrageously with builder and me (becoz we were thought to be punjabi) were fun too. COnclusion, it ended up being an amazing day out with the girls, with builder buying a beautiful punjabi suit for only 75 bucks, me getting 2 fantastic kurtas, chechi buying 2 gorgeous punjabi suits and sillu buying one kurta.
None of us took lunch, obviously. Who had time to eat when there was so much shopping to be done? Hehe...

Jumbling emotions.

2006-10-07T00:16:00.000+08:00

I'm listening to: Jaane ke jaane na (JaanEMann)- Latest addiction. I could listen to this song indefinitely!

I've been quite lax in updating my blog recently. There are a lot of reasons for that, as usual. One of the main of course being, navratri.

Talking about navratri, I finally attended the KL navratri at Laxminarayan (LN for short!) Temple last sunday & monday nights. I'm only left with one memory as I think about those two nights. The dhol music could make rocks dance. It literally excites every freaking chromosome in your body. Exhilarating experience!! I'm definitely attending it next year. The Malacca navratri wasnt that bad in comparison. In fact, no matter my costume for the night (be it saree, punjabi suit, chaniya choli or lehenga), I can just jump around and dance to the rhythm better than I can in any club. Frankly, if they had navratri more often, I think people would actually go clubbing very, very infrequently. I go through literal euphoria everytime I'm flowing with the rhythm of the dhols. Its an amazing feeling that can be felt through no other channel.

Feelings. Euphoria is one. Sadness is another. Disappointment is another. On monday night, I slept peacefully in my cousin sister's house at Bangsar (we were worn out to the max!). But we barely got 3 hours of sleep. At 4 in the morning, we got a frantic phone call from another cousin saying that her dad is in a very serious condition. Wide awake, I kept wondering at that point, what could I do to help ease the situation. The answer came soon- as they left hurriedly, I was left at home to field the calls that might come. The bad news call came an hour later, informing me that the said relative was no longer among us. That hit me. Hit me hard.
Reason? Because I happened to know that his wife had already passed away a year ago. And now him. That leaves behind 2 teenagers who have to brace adulthood at a very young age. That sucks. And I cant even imagine how are they going to cope with it. Last year I realized how heavy my own responsibilities are, and I buckled under all that weight. Compared to them, my tensions seem minuscule to me.
I went from sad, to disappointment, to anger (toward god), to confusion and finally to acceptance. I believe in fate. Thus, whatever happens, happens for a reason. Except, I just cant seem to find a reason of such a thing happening to 2 young souls on that particular day. Why them?
As usual, I have a lot of questions. A lot of unanswered questions. And equally un-understandable emotions jumbling me up.

Reasons to smile.and again.

2006-09-26T16:27:00.000+08:00

In the past few days, I've found many reasons to smile. And smile again. For those who know, you know exactly what happened. For those who dont, ask me, and you shall.

I'm too tired at the moment to actually elaborate on each, so i'll just make a list.

1. Princessa (My car!!!!!!! Yes, I've named it that!)
2. THE parties last weekend (-at Genting & PD) back2back. I havent chilled like that in quite a while.
3. Navratri (-nothing can beat the feeling of doing the chalti!! to the rhythm of fast,fast dhol!-)
4. THAT crazy dare I did (thx to Dot!) @ PD
5. Newfound friends & their antics (Payal,Aidil,Suresh,Vim,Suki etc etc)
6. Old friends & renewed acquaintainces (Kiko,Lin,Mel,Meesh,Ai Khim,Meghna,Kellu etc etc)
7. The feeling of belonging, being loved & cared for by lots n lots of people (-luv u guys too!-)
8. The feeling of absolute peace I found again @ the temple & faith in god.
9. Him. ;)

How to love attending lectures.

2006-09-19T15:53:00.000+08:00

Twelve things to do when you're bored, sleepy and the lecturer isn't making sense.

(*No offense meant to any teaching staff (-ahem-) that might read this*)
1. Come with finger puppets to class and re-enact an entire musical. Be sure to stamp your feet and sway in tune to the song you're following.

2. Meditation.If you're really good, try levitating. (*glassy eyed effect is good enough*)

3. Make like Steve Irwin and shoot your very own documentary, starring your lecturer as the wild thing in heat. Include commentary on the uniqueness of his mating call. (*Do this STRICTLY in your head. Or risk being prematurely "graduated"*)

4. Fall in love with a classmate. Serenade your loved one with your voice, your mandolin, your oar and your venetian gondola. (*There are some lecturers that actually encourage this, careful*)

5. Bring a roll of toilet paper to class. Spend the lecture carefully mummifying your table and chair as a surprise for the next occupant.

6. Dart nervous glances while hiding behind a book. When asked, whisper: "I see dead people"

7. Bring a digital camera to class. Take photos of your drooling, sleeping classmates and blackmail them for cash. Use the money to buy a better camera. (*Now this definitely beats ANY skim cepat kaya!*)
8. Aim and toss paper balls into the trash bin. Do a mexican wave all by yourself everytime you score.

9. Empty out your stapler, use the staples to create a little farm populated by tiny animals. Play with them, accompanied with "Old McDonald had a farm" complete with sound effects.

10. Bring facial masks, foot treatments, manicure sets, and aromatheraphy candles to long lectures. Relax and pamper youself in you very own spa!

11. Empty a huge piggybank of 10 sen coins and start counting them aloud slowly. Forget at 90 sen and start all over again.

12. Appreciate you lecturer. Everytime he or she ends a sentence, show enthusiasm by shouting, "I agree! I AGREE!"

-taken from The SUN newspaper, The Sun U!, Page 2, Tuesday, September 19, 2006-

Tribute to a friend, found & lost.

2006-09-14T09:32:00.000+08:00

This is one of the first poems that you're not going to be reading, and yet, I dedicate this to you.
Dearest Bhua, I'll always miss you.

There once was,
a light that never dimmed,
a smile that never ceased,
a friend who was always there,
a life of love and care.

There once was,
A girl whose eyes shone,
A person everyone was fond,
Bright that flamed once burned,
Leaving a touch thats never gone.

There now is,
Only memories of that friend,
A screaming silence where she once her voice be,
Tributes of her, left unspoken,
Of that laughter, tears, smiles and me.

I'll always remember,
You; in any impish smiles,
You; in any caring words,
You; in any other wonderful person,
You; regardless how far you've gone.

P.M.S.

2006-09-06T21:37:00.000+08:00

I got the below as a forwarded email. One for laughs and much for pondering. Hmmm...

If you're a gal, read the below and tell me why shouldnt guys be blamed for everything.

If you're a guy, read the below and tell me why are guys always do/say the wrongest things?!

___________________________________________________________

Ever feel like this?

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands!

This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: What did I do wrong?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.

13 Things PMS Stands For:

1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
13. Potential Murder Suspect

Busy.

2006-09-05T21:34:00.000+08:00

Just watched- Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna (-memorable trip to KLCC with Deepz-)
Chup Chup Ke

I'm obsessed with: One Tree Hill (Almost finished an ENTIRE season worth of episodes in ONE week!)

I'm tired. Emotionally.Mentally.Physically.
And I need a break.A long break.

The fact is, I've been dealing with way, way TOO many issues lately. Issues that have no solution and no end. I've been goaded into too many arguements and been assaulted with too many misunderstandings. I'm tired of dealing with it. I dont want to hold responsibilities. I'm treading this really fragile line thats holding me together. I cant let it snap.

One week of holiday and yet I'm not rested. I'm way behind on a lot of my subjects and the workload is definitely piling up on me. Plan to finish most of it this week, which is why I'm going to be quite antisocial for some time now. I cant handle humans anymore anyway. Perdon.

Aside which, I've got one quiz, one presentation and one midterm exam this week. I dont want to be me right now.. not that I have a choice.

Arghhhhhhh!!!!!!

2006-08-24T22:24:00.000+08:00

I'm listening to: Wheres The Party Tonight- KANK (at bloody blasting volume!)

I've got one thing to say. ONLY one thing. I HATE Human Computer Interaction!!! One midterm paper that I sacrificed my sleep for. One midterm paper that I actually worked really hard (like as if it were a final paper!!) for. One midterm paper that I was confident I could rock it.

That same midterm paper, was senseless. Was absolutely bullshit-fying. Beyond bullshit-fying. Know why? Because, it was too bloody simple! It was so simple, that I couldnt answer it. Because I studied for all the tougher aspects.

Like bloody DUH!! Its an exam, who expects it to be easy?!! Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One week of holidays is starting tomorrow. I dont feel like I'm heading towards a peaceful week. In fact, I think I have more things to finish in that one week of holiday than ever. Listing the priorities:

- Plan the navratri dance, get the dancers and choose song (meeting!)
- Meet up with my bestfriends.
- Finish the Systems Requirements Specifications (SRS) Document for Software Project Management
- Go to Singapore for my twinnie's painu function
- Study for Database midterm
- Settle my car issue
- Get some coherent sleep, food, rest, and books (does it look like I have the time?)

My life sucks. I know, I look, sound and feel cheerful 25/7 but guess what? My life definitely aint a bloody bed of roses. At least not with beyond-easy-but-absolutely-UNscoreable midterm papers.

Reflections...

2006-08-16T23:40:00.000+08:00

I'm addicted to: Malcolm In The Middle.

I'm listening to: Swear It Again (Rokstone Mix)- Westlife

Somehow, the rokstone mix version is much more soothing than the original version. I'll give the credits to the soft drum beat. It does wonders.

Life has its ups and downs right?
Recently I made it my business that no one shall ruin my day without my permission. Basically, never. I'm not a miserable person who likes her day ruined.

I even manage not to retort back when I really want to (and even when the person actually fully deserves it), instead, I bolt from the place leaving everyone dumbfounded and somewhat puzzled on my latest crazy behaviour.

I noticed that most of my recent blogs have been very self-soul-searching types. Its always about me (duh!), my ups & downs, my anger and my issues. Somehow I feel like I'm going through some kind of transition period after which I arrive at the next stage in life.
You know, kinda like when you're playing a game and you get done with a level? You go one level higher. I think I'm shifting into a higher level. A level where, confusion merges with wisdom, where childishness merges with maturity, where I finally strike a balance within myself.
Its almost robotic. These days, I'm solving more and more of the problems of the people around me, I'm listening to a lot of sad stories and although I still care, I think I'm just losing touch with feelings. I'm on natural automaton mode when I'm figuring how to put a person's life back in order. I no longer involve myself, mind and soul into it like I used to.
At times I ponder, what the hell is wrong with me? I mean, why do I suddenly find myself becoming more and more quiet these days? Why dont I hype around like I used to? Why have I stopped giving a damn about the world? Heck, I have like a zillion questions that are unaswered but suddenly, they dont matter that much anymore.

I'm just doing what I have to, saying what I have to, living literally on autopilot. I know I'm sounding very unhumanish right now. Its still a piece of my thoughts, some reflections that fill my head.

Am I going crazy? Or am I thinking too much?

Issues. a lot of 'em.

2006-08-10T11:26:00.000+08:00

I just heard: The Brasil song with dhol mix. Rocking!

The issue I'm having right here, right now: Hunger. And I only have myself and the useless Uniten bus service to blame for that. How saddening.

Top most on my list would be financial issues. They've be plaguing my life for quite some time now. I end up getting these occasional jolt that I was, am and will remain in this endless financial crisis regardless of how much I save up. But lately, the pressure has been mounting.Because I've started realizing that I'm totally dependent on myself from now on. Yes, I'm still on allowance basis with parents but thats never been enough to cover anything. I never liked depending on anyone anyway and now that I'm going on to being 21, I've got more obligations and more responsibilities and definitely more financial issues with no way of getting any debiting only too much crediting. Hell, why could I have been born one of those cradle-heiresses?!
And yet, I still end up getting stuff which I can only justify by saying, I needed it desperately and after saving up so much, I think I do deserve to spend some. And yet, it still does not erase the hard facts of life. Yikez...

Another one of those neverending issues would be about me being my happening, totally non-feminine self. Actually, I'd possibly catagorized under boyish rather than non-feminine. Yes, this one has been going on for ages and its still yet to find a solution. In fact, lately its been also getting quite out of hand with me losing my temper more and more often, and even more of my guy friends telling me I'm a lost cause where being an out-n-out girl is concerned. Some have suggested that I might as well give up on this losing battle, others trying to be nice have told me I'm not that bad if only.. (*and the list of if only's start*).

Health issues. Yes, I've been super-sick recently. My health is back to normal which is good but a visit to the doc has just confirmed that my appendix might start creating trouble anytime. Which sucks royally since I can't plan anything important til I end up in the patients ward. sigh...

If I were to list, it could be quite a long list of issues that I'm facing right now. From problems of getting my own car, to getting my dad's car repaired, to making sure certain friends dont end up killing each other to making sure certain friends dont do anything crazy out of depression, I've got my hands and mind seriously full. Oh and not to mention I'm also doing 6 projects, planning a club AGM and studying for quizzes and tests while finishing my assignments on time. That, of course, besides mastering softwares to save my grades thanks to challenges issued by tutors, preparing presentations, meeting lecturers, attending meetings and hoping to find some time to catch up with friends while I'm at it.

Sometimes I wonder when do I actually find time to eat, sleep, check emails and breathe. Just sometimes, whenever I actually get time to think.

Being a student.

2006-08-04T15:27:00.000+08:00

I'm listening to: My Primavera lab instructor telling us that we are going to be making a lot assumptions throughout the semester to learn this software.

I almost feel enlightened at that. Weird.

I need to find Lotus Notes & Domino Designer softwares. Its urgent. Not because I'm overeager to practice the software, but because I've been challenge by that lab tutor to finish his tutorials that I've missed and master the software in one week. One useless week. Argh.... and I dont even have the software to practice on. My life is over. Because if I somehow fail to master the software, or at least fail to convince the tutor that I've mastered the software, I'm going to end up with a 0 for my lab.My life is so over. O-V-E-R.

Volatile...

2006-08-01T01:09:00.000+08:00

I'm watching: Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge (*one of my alltime favs!*)

My temper is a very volatile emotion. Very volatile. It arrives so fast I lose all reasoning. I lose rational thinking. I go from invincible to my most vulnerable. Hit me with anything when I'm angry, its sure to sink in. I'm very easily manipulated when angry. And it disappears equally fast too. Its just what I tend to do while I'm angry that causes the most damage. Because I wont be thinking straight. Hell, I wont be thinking. At all.

Once, it used to be hell easy to rouse my anger. Somehow, I've mellowed out. But even today, when I'm angry, you dont want to face me. You wont like me. I become evil. I become someone you dont know anymore. I become a stranger. Its best to leave me alone. Very few have managed to break through my anger. Hardly anyone has ever managed to calm me.

I think I need to take some timeout and ponder upon this issue. Hey, everyone gets angry. But my temper goes up to amazing heights. Self-damaging heights. Heights which I later regret reaching, and as usual, there's no turning back.
Therefore, I'm going into some kinda self-imposed mental exile. Dont question it. Dont tempt me out of it. And whatever you do, dont rouse a sleeping dragon.

Approach me, at your own risk. You've been warned.

About time.. just about time.

2006-07-27T14:32:00.000+08:00

Mistakes.

One hates making them. Everyone does. Which idiot makes mistakes on purpose? Life & reputation ruining kind of mistakes?

yea, yea, yea. We're human. Humans make mistakes. Sure. And then we're supposed to learn from mistakes right..? How if one doesnt? And keeps repeating those same god-damned mistakes again and again?

What is the penalty for that??

The worst is this. When one is a reformed rebel. When one goes from not-giving-two-flying-craps-attitude to this smooth, polished perfectionist. And then that perfectionist keeps repeating this one mistake. Just this one mistake. Again. And again. It sucks. It really sucks. To have those mistakes thrown on your face time and again.

Hell, who was born a know-it-all? I sure wasnt. And yet, I'm still paying for the mistakes I once committed. For having succumbed to temptations just once. For wanting to be like others just once. For being my old, rebel self.. just one last time.

I'm a bit confused on who to aim the fire at right now. I'm at fault for what millions others could be blamed. And yet, millions of others are at fault for not minding their own damned business and condemning me of my past crimes.
Now I feel like I should be thanking someone.

Any takers?

Mock holiday.

2006-07-22T16:26:00.000+08:00

I'm listening to: Tumhi se- Chup Chup Ke.

After special sem, everyone had like 3 weeks of break. Me too.
Everyone was fit & fine & enjoying the holiday for the first 2 weeks. I did too.

And then.. I got sick. My final week of holiday, with a few family functions looming ahead, I had to go and get sick.
After lots, and lots, and lots of medicines of every size, type, colour & name, I managed to get back to Uniten some sort fine. Hoping & praying desperately that the flu & fever had finally been subdued. As extra precaution (-ahem-) since the first week was add n drop week, I decided to hack it and just chill at home, lengthening my holiday for another blissful week.

I did return to Uni & classes the second week. Alas! My health decided to widraw its support and I found myself bedridden again by wednesday night.
Some would actually say that I looked like I belonged on death's door that night. Thursday morning wasnt any better, and parents had to come & fetch me. After a blood test on Friday morning, it was decided that I take another week of break.
Thus, I've been "recuperating" in the peace of my home for the past one week. With an mc.
I hate being sick, somehow, the prospect of going back to classes isnt making me jump of joy either. Sigh...